


Days Without You

by EightLeggedFox



Series: Remedy [2]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-04-06 02:31:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EightLeggedFox/pseuds/EightLeggedFox
Summary: No one ever said moving on was easy. But Daniel thinks that maybe he'll be okay.





	1. Relapse

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to [Scared To Be Lonely](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769519)

Daniel turns on his side, glancing at the bright numbers of the small, blinking digital clock on his nightstand that tells him it’s two and a half past midnight. Snow is falling freely outside the windows, covering the city of Seoul in a white, chilled blanket that’s sure to be a beautiful sight come the break of dawn. It’s a Tuesday—or Wednesday rather, since the clock has officially jumped the day—and Daniel should definitely be sleeping. He has two meetings to attend tomorrow (later) and a pitch to prepare for that’s due by the end of the week, but his mind can’t seem to grasp the urgency that is his work and continues to burn the coal keeping him awake.

It’s probably got to do with the fact that he’s staring at the small wooden box sitting on top of his desk again, for the eleventh consecutive night since he put it there. It’s still painful really, to think of how much progress and self-work he’s wasted by doing this. Because even after successfully keeping the said item inside the farthest corner of his closet for the past four months without ever taking it out or even thinking about it, it all just goes to waste on Christmas Eve after he was thrown into that fated mistake of going to the mall to help Jihyo do some last minute shopping for the holidays.

There's no use crying over spilled milk though, and he only has the present to act on. He ought to just put it back, hide it again. Or better yet: destroy it and throw it in the trash where it, and the memory it holds, belongs. God knows he’s tried to before, more than once even. Maybe if he pushed himself a little more this time—rebelled harder against his un-better judgments—maybe he’d actually have the balls to do the deed.

But he knows it’s a futile waste of effort especially when his mind and heart won’t allow it. Both parts telling him that the little music box isn’t really the cause for his lack of sleep nor is it to blame for why he feels like a dead, empty shell merely going through the motions of everyday life these days. He’s just projecting; the music box that hasn’t been opened for more than a year is simply the inanimate manifestation of the one thing he can’t really ignore and hide away from. The thing that’s been sitting heavily in his chest for so long that hasn’t in the least lightened in weight with the passage of time. The thing he so desperately wants to move on from but can’t despite his best efforts at it.

He glances at the digital clock on his nightstand again, it’s three hours past midnight now and he only has a few more hours left before he has to get up for work. He takes in a deep breath and sighs; looks like he’ll have to run on coffee again because he doesn’t think he’ll be doing any sleeping anytime soon.

 

 

***

 

 

If he was ever given the chance to do it all over again, starting from the beginning, he honestly doesn't know if he would’ve changed the choices he made. Daniel didn’t really know what he was getting himself into when he kissed Jihoon on the cheek that first night at the bar. He was stressed from work, annoyed at some of his pompous colleagues who were constantly gossipping about him, and honestly just wanted to have a good time; drink, forget, and possibly even get laid that night. He didn’t expect the hot guy who passed him at the entrance to be someone like Jihoon, didn’t expect to be careened into an exciting and interesting conversation that constantly kept him on his toes. It never even crossed his mind to meet someone who would enchant him in the way that he did and proceed to take him to the highest cloud possible in the sex the happened back at his place. He didn’t expect to leave and end that night with a fuck buddy registered on his phone.

Sure he’s had sex a few times and has had his fair share of one-night stands in the past, but it’s nothing like what he and Jihoon had going for. He never spoke the thought out loud but Daniel was initially against it, the idea of being in a ‘relationship’ with someone and using sex as the only foundation didn’t really sit well with him. It went against everything he valued, made him feel like he was becoming the very person everyone was labeling and seeing him as. He remembers the week after their first night together to be the most conflicting period in the beginning; when one side of him wanted to delete Jihoon’s number from his phone and avoid the bar they met at for the rest of eternity, while another—and much stronger side—couldn’t stop thinking about the other boy that he’s even had to remedy a few hard-ons that occurred while he was at work.

It eventually came to a point where he didn’t mind his conscience anymore, and simply rationalized and came to terms that what he was doing didn’t really define him and was only a form of release that’s not so much different than going to a bar and drinking. He didn’t want any room for doubts, not when he’s hooked up with someone as gorgeous and amazing in bed as Jihoon. Someone who knows how and where to push all the right buttons hard enough to make Daniel beg.

And it was worth it. Heck, even getting punched in the face by that brute at the bar that one time was worth it. It didn’t feel wrong or bad, and he never really needed anything beyond the out-of-this-world pleasure Jihoon provided.

Until they started talking.

The first night Jihoon stayed over at his place because of a bad storm was the very first time he actually started getting to know the other person whose body he’d been ravishing for the past few weeks. It’s second nature for him, an instinct. His friends have told him in numerous occasions that he’s always been friendly and honest with practically everyone he meets that talking and texting with Jihoon just somehow felt like the right and natural thing to do the longer they kept to each other’s company. So he did just that, with nary a second thought of any implications it could lead to—unaware that the simple act of asking basic things about Jihoon’s life was beginning to blur a hard, uncrossable line that was probably better left untouched in the first place. Maybe that’s where the true weight of his mistake started, because getting to know Jihoon was like the beginning of a snowball effect he didn’t anticipate nor foresee until it became too big for him to handle.

“Goodnight, Niel-hyung,” Jihoon had said on the fifth Friday they saw each other, his voice tired from sex and laden with sleep. That was the first time Jihoon asked him to stay over for the night at his place, just a week after Daniel had asked the same of him. That was the night Daniel realized he’d began to fall for his sex buddy.

 

“You made him pancakes?”

Daniel winces. The tone alone is enough to make him shy away, and maybe even doubt his decision a little for choosing to confide in his hyung about his current predicament.

“Technically, I made _myself_ pancakes...in his house...and I just shared it with him,” Daniel says before taking a sip of his coffee, giving himself a minute before meeting his hyung’s judging eyes again. “Is that bad?”

Jisung only furrows his brows, a clear warning bell to signal that the situation is, in fact, _bad_. Jisung knows him, probably even more than he knows himself sometimes. So if his hyung doesn’t immediately answer with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to a simple question such as this one, then it’s a sure sign that there’s something wrong with the equation.

“What did he say?”

Daniel thinks back to how that morning transpired, remembering the surprised look Jihoon gave him when he saw him cooking in his kitchen. In all honesty, he really just got hungry that day after waking up and decided to cook himself breakfast. He didn’t mean anything by it, even if the experience was close to ethereal for him when he saw for the very first time how Jihoon looks like in actual, natural daylight.

“He was pretty cool about it. I kind of expected him to kick me out, but he didn’t.” Daniel shrugs nonchalantly, a sheepish smile painting his face to play off his giddiness. “He said he rarely gets to eat home-cooked meals. I think that means he likes my cooking.”

“But?” Jisung raises a skeptical eyebrow, going the cynic’s route. Daniel just sighs and starts toying at the sleeve of his coffee cup with his thumb.

“While we were eating, I told him that he should get a boyfriend who can cook for him…”

“You _what_?” Jisung blinks in surprise, gaping at him. Voice loud enough to earn them a few startled looks from the nearby tables of their spot in the cafe. “You really don’t know what subtlety is, do you.”

Daniel just rolls his eyes. It isn’t the first time he’s heard that statement. “I don’t think he got what I was implying though. ‘Cause afterward he told me he doesn’t _do_ boyfriends. He said he doesn’t believe in love.”

He says it so casually as if the statement hasn’t bothered or plagued his mind for hours on end in the tiniest bit. He shrugs, ignoring the condescending face thrown at him.

“You do know what that means, right?

Daniel just shakes his head, playing a little stupid to see what reaction he’ll get this time around. Jisung then takes a sip of his own coffee, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms when he gives him a pointed look that borders between concern and exasperation. “It means he’s been hurt before, Niel. Which makes the chances of you getting hurt all the more higher.”

“Wow, what a nice conclusion to jump to hyung.”

“Don’t tell me it never crossed your mind.” Jisung rolls his eyes. “I mean, what else can it be? People don’t just ‘stop believing in love’ unless it’s bitten them in the ass before.”

Daniel pouts, ignoring Jisung’s tone. “You don’t know that.”

“Are you seriously so blinded by amazing sex that you’re going to risk your heart getting broken again? Come on Niel, be smart about this.”

He doesn’t know what to say. Deep down, even if he doesn’t want to admit it, he knows Jisung is most probably right about this. Daniel isn’t stupid, at least not enough for him to believe that Jihoon is as clean as he wants to see him as. The defeated look he’s sporting must be so apparent then and somehow gets to Jisung because he suddenly leans forward on a softer note.

“Look, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, okay? If anything I’m just looking out for you. You asked me to tell you what I think about your so-called ‘pleasure-friend’, and I’m telling you that if you don’t plan to keep it strictly on that level, then you shouldn’t keep seeing him.”

“So, what? I just end things so suddenly? Tell him it’s over?” Daniel says, a little offended and hurt. Maybe asking advice from Jisung wasn’t the best idea after all.

“Niel, I’m not going to tell you the things you want to hear. I’m your friend and I’m going to be honest with you, even if it hurts a little,” Jisung says slowly, staring at Daniel with utmost concern before continuing. “This whole set-up you have with this guy isn’t even healthy. People like Jihoon don’t care about people like you. The way I see it, he’s just asking you to sleep with him because that’s all he wants and you’re the convenient delivery boy he has on speed dial. And it’s not that I’m generalizing you here, but we both know that you have a bit of a habit and history of falling for other people too hard, too fast. Don’t you think that this is kind of what’s happening here?”

Daniel knows that Jisung has a point, that he’s making all the _right_ points. It’s only been what? A month? And in that month he’s only ever really been with Jihoon five times. Yes, maybe he _is_ being too rash with his emotions but in all honesty, he couldn’t really care less. He refuses to believe that Jihoon is as cold-hearted and uncaring as he paints himself to be and Daniel knows there’s much more to him than that—and it’s exactly the something that he really wants to get to know more of.

“I know what it looks like, hyung. And I understand where you’re coming from.” Daniel starts, eyes trained on his half-finished drink. “But I really like him. And it’s not just about sleeping with him either. If there’s even the slightest chance that he could feel the same way about me, then I think it’s a risk worth taking.”

“Niel—”

Daniel gets up, downing the rest of his coffee in a huge gulp. “It’s past our lunch, hyung. We should get back to work.”

He hears Jisung sigh from behind him when he’s left their table, probably knowing that he wouldn’t win against his stubbornness today. Daniel only hopes that it’s all worth it.

 

 

***

 

 

“Wow. You look terrible,” is the first thing Jisung says when he comes in to work that morning. Daniel doesn’t spare him a glance and just plops down on his chair to open the first cup of his take out coffee.

“Still better looking than you,” he mumbles, but Jisung ignores him when he leans over on his desk.

“Maybe if you’d stop fucking your girlfriend every half hour, you might actually get some sleep for once.”

“Ha-ha, very funny.” Daniel finally takes a sip of his drink, the caffeine traveling down his throat working like gasoline and giving him some much-needed energy enough to at least stop himself from squinting at the bright office lights.

“I’m serious though, what’s up with you?” Jisung’s voice then takes on a softer turn, sounding more concerned. “You’ve been like this for two weeks now. Don’t think I haven’t noticed Niel-ah.”

The small display of worry is enough to choke him up on the spot. Daniel almost concedes, almost tells Jisung the truth about his recent nocturnal lifestyle. But he bites his tongue.

“I can’t help it when my girlfriend is a smoking ten, hyung. I have my needs.” He lies through his teeth. It isn’t easy, and his voice almost breaks at the effort. But it’s definitely more bearable than the alternative.

“What you _need_ is self-control.” Jisung shakes his head, making a face. “You sure you can even make it through today? I can let you take the day off if you need it.”

“You’re not my supervisor anymore, remember?” Daniel playfully raises an eyebrow, to which his hyung just rolls his eyes at.

“I’m telling you as your friend, not your superior. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?”

“Oh, so that handsome devil I saw in the bathroom this morning was actually me?” Daniel smiles cheekily, taking another swig of coffee.

“No, I’m talking about the overgrown child who looks like a zombie in a monkey suit.” Jisung deadpans right after he scoffs at him.

“I’m _fine_ , hyung.” Daniel waves him off making a play for casual, as if he didn’t just spend the entirety of last night staring at a certain object sitting in his room. Deep down he really does want to get a day off, but he knows he’s already swamped with work as it is and the last thing he wants is to be a burden by asking Jisung to cover for him. “I have four cups of coffee to get me through the day. Don’t worry.”

If only coffee could be as effective in actually making him forget, he thinks. Things would be so much easier.

“Just don’t push yourself too hard, okay?” Jisung says, giving his shoulder a little squeeze before getting up. “Take it easy. Listen to some music or something. I heard Park Jihoon posted a new album on his spotify page. Maybe that’ll help you relax a little.”

Daniel’s fingers tense, almost dropping the cup in his hand. He’s thankful for the small mercy of Jisung deciding to walk back to his desk then, because he has no idea how to mask the contorted look he probably has on his face right now.

He puts his coffee down, bites his lips and balls his hands into fists while taking deep breaths. His friends basically know all about him having a fuck buddy last year, but he never once mentioned to them who Jihoon actually is. He did it mostly out of respect, thinking that it probably wouldn’t look too good if people found out considering his career so he can’t really blame Jisung for not knowing that the Jihoon he just referred to is _the_ Jihoon.

What he doesn’t know is that as much as Daniel loves his music, he’s been avoiding it as much as he can for the better part of the past year and a half. It may sound a little immature, but he just can’t bring himself to even open that page anymore—unless he deliberately wanted to make a complete fool of himself and have another breakdown in the restroom for a good two hours. He’s already doing a terrible job of moving on and forgetting, he doesn’t need another reminder.

He takes another sip of coffee, relishing the caffeine and willing his mind to divert its attention elsewhere while he waits for his computer to boot. Maybe a little work grind can get his mind off of things.

Or at least he hopes.

 

 

***

 

 

 _“He’s not my boyfriend! He’s not_ anything _Daehwi!—"_

_"—we just sleep together. That’s all.”_

Daniel takes another sip of soju when Jihoon’s words ring in his head again, bringing with it another shower of sharpened needles straight to his chest. He doesn’t even bother pouring himself a glass anymore and just goes straight for the bottle.

“Yah! We're supposed to be sharing!” Sungwoon attempts to reach across the table and snatch the bottle away from him, which is an easy enough task to avoid considering his hyung’s difference in stature. “You brat.”

“Let’s just order s’more, hyung. I’m paying anyway,” he says, already raising a hand to call a waiter until Sungwoon swats it back down.

“No. You’ve already ordered and drank more than you can handle. I am _not_ driving your drunk ass back to your apartment.”

Daniel pouts, slouching back in his chair with slumped shoulders. “I won’t get drunk.”

“Yeah well that’s what you said the last time. And the time before that. And the time—”

“Okay hyung, I get it.”

It’s been four weeks since that day in Jihoon’s kitchen. Four weeks since he overheard the heart-shattering words come out of Jihoon’s mouth. Four weeks of him trying to wrap his head around the fact that Jihoon doesn’t see him as anything beyond a hookup.

It’s confusing, to say the least, but ultimately painful in every aspect. He’s trying to look at all the ways their relationship has changed from when they first met and attempts to make sense of it all. All those times Jihoon had been open with him, everything they shared with one another, the connection they had. Was he just imagining it? Some twisted kind of wishful dreaming? Was he simply projecting his own feelings on Jihoon that it’s deluded him into thinking there was something real there? Behind the looks they gave each other, the touches, the kisses?

Daniel wants to think there is. He wants to believe the far fetched idea that maybe Jihoon hadn’t been a hundred percent serious when he said what he said. It could've probably been a simple out to an otherwise awkward explanation as to who Daniel exactly is, or maybe he just hasn't really figured out his own feelings yet. It’s the only logical reason he can think of that explains why what he said then is so contrary to how he's acting and he’s being so open with him lately.

But even so, Jihoon's words still keep haunting him; the same phrase echoing in his head over and over, reminding him of a truth that’s hard to find an excuse for.

_“People like Jihoon don’t care about people like you.”_

Maybe Jisung was right. Maybe he _is_ just too stupid to accept what’s so clearly written in front of him. Too stupid even to take the smart path and cut his ties now because despite hearing the words come from Jihoon’s mouth entirely, he still doesn’t want to let him go.

“You gotta stop doing this to yourself Niel,” Sungwoon says worriedly, his elbows resting on their table when he slowly leans forward. “I don’t understand why you’re even still seeing him. You told me you already know how he feels about you, so why torture yourself like this?”

And that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Daniel is slowly dying inside the more time he spends with Jihoon and the more they tell each other practically everything, when at the end of the day he knows perfectly well that that’s all he’ll ever be to him. Someone to talk to and entertain him when he’s lonely.

“You have great conversation skills.” Jihoon had told him one time, the reminder of which pushes him to lap at the measly remains of their shot glasses.

“I’d rather be what we are now than not have him at all hyung,” he says after putting down his empty glass with an audible thud. This is how he knows he’s still not drunk, when he manages to withhold from saying that the other reason he’s still seeing Jihoon is because a part of him is still hoping for the other person to have a change of heart. That maybe, if he stuck around and soldiered through this misery long enough, Jihoon would start to feel the same way as him.

Pathetic, to put it simply.

“Two more bottles of soju please.” Sungwoon calls out to the waiter, surprising Daniel. He’s giving him a sympathetic look, coupled with the heavy sigh he’s gotten used to getting a lot of lately. When their next round of drinks arrive, he takes the liberty of opening the caps and pouring it down their glasses.

“The only reason I’m not telling Jisung-hyung about this is because I want you to learn how to fix this on your own,” Sungwoon says, eyeing him seriously. “If he so much as gets a whiff of what you’re doing to yourself now, you know he won’t hesitate to put a stop to things in your behalf.”

Daniel nods, taking a shot of soju with it. He knows how protective Jisung can get, which is precisely the reason why he only drags Sungwoon to these sessions.

“I know that he makes you happy Niel, and I understand that you want to be with him. But _this—”_ He gestures to his general direction. “This thing where you’re constantly giving yourself to the other person, it’s not healthy. I mean look at you—you’re barely sleeping, Jisung-hyung says you’re downing about five cups of coffee at work everyday, and you’re practically asking me to come drink with you every other night.”

“You’re a bad influence for indulging me then.” Daniel tries to be funny about it, but it falls flat on deaf ears and only gets him a steely gaze from Sungwoon. He sighs, knowing what's about to come. “So are you also going to start telling me to stop seeing him too?”

Sungwoon gives him a long look, enough for him to feel intimidated by the stare alone. He’s expecting the same thing Jisung told him before, but Sungwoon merely shakes his head.

“Even if I tell you what I want you to do, you’re never going to listen,” he says, smiling a little. “But I’m still your friend Niel, and I’m worried about you. I just want you to think about this, okay? Think about yourself first. I know you love the guy, but is this really the kind of love you want for yourself? Is the happiness you feel whenever you’re with him really worth the pain you feel after?”

Is it really better to be what they currently are to each other than to not have him at all, is what Daniel hears. He’s always answered yes to that same question every time he’s asked himself, but even he has to admit that the conviction of those yeses falter each time.

“You’re human too, Niel-ah. Even someone with as big a heart as you will get tired eventually,” Sungwoon says, a sense of finality present in his tone. “Don’t you think it’s better to leave things on a high note? Instead of waiting until you get more hurt and tired that can’t even think back to a happy memory with him anymore?”

It’s hard, but Daniel is at least seasoned enough to know that the truth is never really easy to swallow and that Sungwoon makes a valid point. Ending things amicably with Jihoon would be the best move at this point. Even though he doesn’t see an ending where this isn’t going to hurt him—whether Jihoon decides if he wants to remain friends or not—it’s better to be honest with him than to constantly carry the burden of a lie and merely hoping for an outcome that may never even arrive for him.

It takes him a few more days to mull it over, but in the end he decides to finally take his hyung’s advice.

 

The electronic beeping on his front door tells Daniel that Jihoon is here, right on time as usual. He swallows down the nerves that are starting to build up at the base of his stomach and turns off the stove to start plating their dinner.

“Niel?” He hears him calling out from the living room, his voice carrying a familiar sense of warmth.

“I’m in here! Go sit down, just give me a sec!” He’s not entirely sure why he’s making such a spectacle of tonight. He rarely ever cooks on a Friday, not even for himself and yet here he is preparing an italian dish with garlic bread and wine on the side. He puts the blame to having a need for a distraction; the fanfare of making dinner keeps him busy and lets him rehearse the lines he’s supposed to say tonight in his head. After all, he’s only just about to confess his true feelings for his fuck buddy. No big deal.

“Okay, Daniel. You can do this,” he whispers to himself, grabbing the two plates of pasta in each hand and securing a bottle of red wine under his arm before he steps out into the living room. “I hope you’re hungry!”

They settle down to eat on his living room coffee table, sitting on the carpeted floor across each other like they usually do. Daniel drinks in the impressed expression on Jihoon’s bare face when he sees the food he’s prepared, a sight he’s learned to appreciate in the last month that always graces him when they eat together.

“Mmm. It’s good,” Jihoon says with a poorly masked smile on his lips after he takes his first bite.

“Was there ever even a doubt?”

Jihoon just lets out a soft chuckle, his eyes following the side of Daniel’s face. “You got a little—here.”

He reaches forward then, across the table with his thumb to wipe what Daniel assumes must be some spaghetti sauce off the corner of his mouth. It’s a simple enough gesture that doesn’t really warrant a bigger reaction past a small fluster, but for Daniel the contact is borderline electric. He freezes instantly, and Jihoon must feel it too because his thumb is quite literally lingering on his mouth-corner a little longer than necessary.

It’s in small moments similar to this that truly make him doubt Jihoon’s words a lot more than usual. He can’t help but latch on to the hope that springs up in his chest when he looks at him with eyes that he thinks resembles his own, giving off a sense that he can feel the same electric current running rampant through his veins as well. It’s a hard feat, but Daniel pulls the plug right there and stops the path his thoughts are heading. He can’t be distracted tonight.

“So, umm—” he clears his throat, an attempt to hide his fluster. “How’s that song your writing coming along?”

Like a switch on a wire, the simple question instantly relaxes Jihoon back to a more casual state, the moment from two seconds ago disappearing as fast as it came.

Daniel only ever really begins to regret his decision of making tonight extra special when he finds that it’s becoming increasingly hard not to steal glances at Jihoon while they’re eating. All throughout dinner he keeps noticing all the little mannerisms he’s come to love about him; the little smile that’s constantly on his face that lasts throughout the entire meal. Hearing the little contented sigh he doesn’t even notice he’s making whenever he takes a bite of food, and witnessing the slight flushing of his full cheeks whenever he finishes a glass of wine.

He’s so enamored and entranced with everything he does that all too soon the food on their plates are gone and he’s missed his chance to say what he has to say.

So much for not being distracted.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Jihoon offers after taking his final drink, crawling from his side on the floor to position himself beside Daniel.

“Oh, sure. But I’m picking.” He sticks his tongue out playfully, a ruse so he can grab the opportunity of choosing a cliche drama on Netflix for them to watch. He makes sure that it’s one he’s seen before, one that won’t require a lot of attention so he can zone out to focus and run the lines in his head again.

_‘Jihoon, I have something to say—’_

The show starts and the opening credits roll along the screen, playing with it a simple theme song that’s easy enough to ignore.

_‘These past few months have been great. Really great. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy in a long time—’_

The actors on screen are faces he’s familiar with. The guy is one of Korea’s most prominent talents at the moment and his leading lady is an idol-turned-actress. He looks at the scenes unfolding on screen, not understanding anything of what’s going on.

_‘And I know what our arrangement is. I know what we both agreed to when we first met three months ago...but I don’t think I can do it anymore. Jihoon...I think I lov—’_

He’s knocked out of his thoughts when he feels a sudden weight leaning against his shoulder, and true enough when he looks to his side, he’s met with a flock of dark blonde hair that smells faintly of peaches. It’s not something unusual, Jihoon’s been leaning over him quite a few times these past few weeks that it’s become so commonplace by now. So ordinary, in fact, that Daniel doesn’t even startle or jump in his seat even when he isn’t expecting it.

Instead he actually relaxes a bit, so much that whatever he was constructing in his head seconds earlier is now wisping away like desert sand. He trains his eyes to the show again, trying to make sense of what’s happening for the first time since opening the TV.

It’s halfway through the show when the plot is building up its first kissing scene by having the lead confess his feelings for his lover when Daniel is reminded of what he has to do tonight. He blinks a few times to shake away the daze, and wills the courage to build back up inside of him. He’s been distracted long enough, so with a reluctant hand he grabs the remote and hits the pause button.

He feels Jihoon’s head tilting, but still otherwise keeps his place on his shoulders. He makes that little surprised sound he always does instinctively before asking, “Bathroom?”

“Umm...no.” This is it, he thinks. There’s no turning back now. He’s slightly afraid that Jihoon would somehow feel his heartbeat from their close proximity and is grateful when he chooses that moment to leave his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

“I, umm...I need to tell you something.” He takes a deep breath to help force out the words he wants to say. His heart is rabid now, banging in his chest like a drum calling out for war.

“Oh, before you say anything. I almost forgot,” Jihoon says suddenly, scooting back towards the coffee table and picking out a paper gift bag from underneath it.

“What’s this?” he asks, sounding a little apprehensive when Jihoon hands the package to him.

“I just got you a little something. It’s uh, well, just open it.”

Daniel merely blinks at him, perplexed at what the thing in his hands could be and completely caught off guard by being given something in the first place. There’s a small white card attached to it so he goes for that first, flipping it open to a small message written in poor penmanship.

“Niel-hyung. This gift is the only one of its kind. I hope you like it—from, Hoonie.”

He didn’t think it possible at this point, but his heart is starting to beat faster than ever. Jihoon got him a present, and instead of getting excited and actually opening the damn gift, all he feels is unease. He can’t even say why exactly, but he doesn’t have much of a choice now does he? Not when Jihoon is literally right next to him and watching his every move.

So with a deep breath he opens the package, puts his hand in and pulls out a small wooden box that’s just a little smaller than the size of his palm. The reveal doesn’t do much to help his confusion, as he can’t immediately tell what it is—until he realizes that the box has a small latch on the side and that it’s meant to be opened. So he flips the lid slowly, and like a bomb going off, Daniel is immediately blown away.

“It’s, umm...I don’t know if you remember,” Jihoon starts, in a tone that’s small and timid once the music box plays; the soft plinks of the song it contains filling the space of air in the otherwise silent room. “It’s the first song I played for you that night back at my place when you first got promoted. I had it made into a music box and...yeah.”

Daniel remembers. Of course he remembers. It was one of the happiest days of his life; because besides bagging a project he’d worked so hard for _and_ getting a promotion for it, he got to celebrate and spend the time after with Jihoon. Not even with drinks or dancing like his usual scene is at when he celebrates, but of simple take-out chicken and a quiet night with soft piano music. That was the night he proved to himself that what he feels for him is real. The night he considered their relationship as something more than just pleasure and sex.

Daniel remembers the moment so clearly, every detail of it. The happiness he felt while telling Jihoon about his day, the quiet excitement when he offered to play him some music, and warmth the bloomed in his chest when they kissed. Now that very moment is here, in his palm, playing the song that perfectly encapsulates that night in his memory. He’s speechless, and for the third time that night Jihoon quite literally knocked over every thought he was trying to build up in his head.

“I-uhh. Sorry, I don’t really know if this your kind of thing,” Jihoon says, his voice caving in on itself with embarrassment. “I understand if you don’t like it and—”

Daniel closes the box, the clap of the lid startling Jihoon to silence that’s all the more quieter with the sudden absence of music. He’s quite offended actually, because how dare he think he wouldn’t like this? How dare he doubt himself like that?

“Jihoon—” he tries to speak, and ends up clearing his throat when his voice comes out in a thick rasp. He takes a deep breath in an attempt to get some composure before he tries again.

“I—I don’t know what to say. No one...has ever given me something this meaningful before. Thank you.”

The slight tinge of color dusting Jihoon’s cheeks right then becomes the final push, too irresistible that Daniel just lets all inhibitions out the window and lets himself fall prey to his desires. He leans in and kisses him, soft and hesitant to get a feel of the other’s lips first. When Jihoon sighs into him and kisses him back, Daniel cups his face and reciprocates further, deepening their connection and enjoying the little moans and whimpers Jihoon makes at the contact.

Daniel feels him suck in a breath when he suddenly puts both hands under his thighs and lifts him off the floor. He doesn’t break their kiss and just pulls Jihoon closer as he carries him to his bedroom where he softly lays him down.

They lock eyes and the air around them freezes. Daniel latches on to whatever’s left of his self-control and gives himself one last chance to follow through with his plans for tonight. Stop himself, do what needs to be done, tell Jihoon the truth—but he can’t. Not when Jihoon just proved to him how special he means to him. Not when he’s looking at him with eyes that don’t carry a single trace of lust. Not when he’s being so consensual with Daniel treating him as something more than a fuck buddy. Not when it all feels too _real_.

“Hyung…” he whispers softly, and like a final trigger Daniel dives in and captures his lips again, breathing him in an act of raw and undiluted passion. The sex is different this time, in that there’s none of the usual hardness and bite that always used to be present whenever they go at it. Instead it’s more intimate, sensual, that Daniel just feels all of Jihoon as if he were a part of him.

And maybe it’s okay for him to believe that this is real. Maybe he can finally stop overthinking Jihoon’s words and just trust in his actions. At the moment, It’s fairly easy to believe. Especially when they fall asleep together and end the night with Jihoon laying so close to him for the very first time.

 

 

***

 

 

Friday arrives much slower than he would have preferred, but at least the crawl is almost over. He can already taste the weekend and his plans of doing absolutely nothing; just a few more hours at work and one last hurdle before salvation.

“Okay, I’m not even going to sugarcoat it this time.” Jisung tuts at him, putting both hands on his waist that eerily reminds him of his mom. “Niel, you look horrible.”

He merely pouts at the comment and at the frown Jisung’s throwing at him before taking a sip of his coffee. He slouches back in his chair waiting for his computer to boot, staring at the startup screen with lazy indifference.

“Did you forget that we’re meeting our clients today?” Jisung continues, exasperated. “You could’ve _at least_ ironed your shirt out.”

Truthfully, Daniel really was going to press his button-downs last night, but he underestimated his brain again when it sorely went into an overthinking frenzy as he was getting to his closet to pick out his shirt, only to pass by the music box on his desk.

Great. Inanimate objects now control his entire being.

“I’ll just throw a coat on later. Don’t worry hyung.”

“I think it’s a little too late for you to be telling me that,” Jisung says, his forehead softly etched with a concerned frown. “You know you can tell me if you’re not up for today, right? I would totally understand if you wanted to skip the meeting if you’re not feeling a hundred percent.”

Daniel considers it, but he knows he’ll never live it down if he left Jisung hanging. Not with a client this important. “I’m fine hyung, I’m with you. I promise I’ll be ready before we go off.”

Jisung just makes a face, sighing as he rubs at the space between his eyes before placing a blue folder on top of Daniel’s desk. The fact that he’s not opposing him more means he’s somewhat glad to hear that he's not sitting this one out, which gives Daniel all the more reason to pull himself together. “The meeting’s at lunch time. Here’s the latest draft of my outline for you to read. And please, go put on some BB cream if you have to. We don’t want to scare our clients with a zombie.”

“Aye, aye captain.” Daniel gives him a salute, sighing once Jisung exits his office. Guilt starts to run down his veins, his hyung already has enough on his plate and now he’s being a burden by adding to his worry. Well, there’s no way in hell he’s letting him down, he confidently screams in his head, picking up the folder he left and beginning to read.

Three cups of coffee and two bags of gummies later, Daniel’s all prepped and ready for their meeting. He even thinks he at least looks half as dashing as he normally does after spending a good hour putting on some blemish cream and ironing out his shirt with a hair iron he borrowed from one of his colleagues. He checks himself in the mirror one last time, brushing his hair back a bit more before he nods to his reflection and steps out.

“Ready?” Jisung asks him at the lift, just before they exit the building lobby to the busy sidewalk of lunch-hour Seoul. Daniel’s about to quip a motivated answer, that is until he realizes where Jisung is leading them towards.

“Ah, hyung? Where’s the meeting at?”

“Hm? Didn’t I tell you?” Jisung gives him a puzzled look, cut off when the stop sign turns into a walking green figure signaling them to cross. Daniel’s heart is running a marathon in his chest, almost bursts when they turn the direction he’s fearing.

“Here?” He asks frantically before Jisung even gets the chance to push the door of the cafe open, eliciting another confused expression.

“It’s the only decent place nearby I was able to book a table with on such short notice. C’mon.”

Jisung ushers them in and starts scouting the place for their clients, but for Daniel the whole world just stops. Suddenly the stress of the meeting melts below the list of priorities to fuss over about in his head when he’s standing stock-still inside the cafe where Jihoon broke up with him— _broke up_ being a slightly inaccurate term considering they were never even together in the first place, but it’s still all the same to him. He’s avoided this place like it’s a nuclear warzone for the past year, even giving up the amazing coffee they offered and the clubhouse sandwiches he occasionally bought for his lunch.

And for good measure, to completely prevent what he’s experiencing now from actually happening. He’s stopped breathing, stopped processing everything around him and—

“Niel.” Jisung’s grip on his arm startles him back to reality, seeing his hyung’s face hovering in front of his and looking as confused as ever. “What are you doing? They’re waiting, let’s go.”

He can only nod, literally left with no choice but to let Jisung drag him towards the table where two men and a woman clad in pantsuits await them. He tries to focus, breathing through his mouth and pulling his face into a smile to politely shake hands with their company.

It’s not until they’re seated that Daniel sees _the_ _table,_ and his mind instantly conjures up a mix of ambient house music, a double shot americano and the mild scent of jasmine tea.

“Since it’s on such short notice for you, we took the liberty of ordering us drinks.” The lady between the two men tells them with a professional smile, gesturing to the cups on the table. “I hope you both don’t mind some caramel macchiatos? The lady at the counter tells me they’re the best sellers here.”

“Ah, you didn’t have to. But thank you very much, Mrs. Choi,” Jisung says with a slight bow.

This is the part where Daniel’s supposed to say the same thing and bow back. Flash his winning smile with that ninety-percent success rate and start their pitch off with a bang. But he’s stuck, doesn’t even notice when Jisung kicks his shin from under the table. Daniel’s mind is blank, detached, and it’s becoming harder and harder not to pull himself back to the past when there’s just too many things around to remind him here.

 

 

***

 

 

“Are you seriously going to spend our first dinner together—in two years, mind you!—by checking your phone every ten minutes?”

Daniel looks up from his screen then, eyes wide and guilty for being called out when he faces Seongwoo. “Sorry, hyung.”

“Aish, this is the last time I’m treating you to dinner,” Seongwoo says, shaking his head at him. “An expensive one at that.”

“I’ll behave, I’ll behave! See, I’m putting my phone down.”

“You really like this Jihoon-guy, don’t you.” A statement, not a question. Seongwoo says it so casually that Daniel doesn’t even mind the teasing tone he’s using. “I mean, not at you basically running me through your entire relationship with him in the last three hours we’ve spent together. Just a wild guess.”

Daniel lets out a soft laugh, holding back the goofy grin that’s threatening to break in his face by taking a bite of his steak.

“Can you introduce us? I’d love to meet the man causing that stupid look on your face.”

He throws a glare at his hyung, sticking his tongue out when he starts to laugh at him. “Jisung-hyung and Sungwoon-hyung haven’t even met him yet.”

“So?” Seongwoo raises an eyebrow. “I’m your ex-boyfriend. I get special privilege. And don’t give me that crap about how weird it would be to introduce your ex to your current one.”

Daniel smiles in good nature, taking a sip of his wine and says, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Right. My mistake. _Fuck buddy.”_

Pouting, this time Daniel takes his revenge by reaching over and stealing a fork-full of Seongwoo’s fries from his plate. He wasn’t kidding when he said how Daniel’s practically run through with him who Jihoon is, and unlike with his other hyungs, with Seongwoo he spares no detail. Special ex-boyfriend privileges, as he says.

“I’m serious though. I really want to meet him. I bet you we can even be good friends.”

“You make friends with _everyone_ hyung. There’s nothing new in that,” Daniel says, rolling his eyes. “And I honestly have no problem introducing you two if he’d just respond to my messages.”

Like clockwork, he picks up his phone again to see if there’s any new notifications. Emails, Instagram likes, the weather report. Still nothing from Jihoon.

“You always were a worrier. Even back then,” Seongwoo says, pointing his fork at him. “Remember that time you chewed my ear off for not texting you after I got home from my university exams?”

“Yeah, because it’s just _so hard_ to take ten seconds to type ‘I’m home’ on your phone.” Daniel whines, earning him another set of giggles from Seongwoo. “And how do I not worry? Jihoon always replies to my messages. It’s been twenty-four hours since we last saw each other.”

“You sound like a psycho-stalker.”

“I’m just concerned.”

“And you _say_ you two aren’t official yet. Wow.”

Daniel bites his lips, the events of last Friday night flashing again in his mind. He knew he should’ve driven Jihoon to Daehwi’s that night. He knew he should’ve forced him, instead of letting him walk out alone to take a sleazy uber ride at two in the morning. He checks his phone again. Still nothing.

Seongwoo sees this and puts a hand above his, putting his phone face down on the table and offering him a small smile. “Niel, stop. You’re doing it again. He’s probably just busy so stop overthinking things. I’m sure he’ll call you soon enough.”

“Yeah. Busy.” Daniel nods, holding on to his hyung’s optimism that he’ll hear from Jihoon soon.

Except he doesn’t. Days pass and he’s literally met with nothing but radio silence. Daniel is already doing his best to hold himself back, stopping himself from sending any more messages, call, or even go straight to his house so as not to seem too clingy and desperate.

He is though. Clingy, desperate, and pathetic. Jihoon’s lack of communication is making him even more paranoid and self-conscious than the time he overheard him that day in his kitchen. He keeps playing their last night together in his head, running through every word they said to each other and every little thing they did. Had he said something wrong? Was Jihoon avoiding him on purpose?

“Maybe he found himself another fuck buddy,” Seongwoo tells him the following Friday while they’re at his place and drinking soju. Jihoon had finally texted him back after a week of nothing, only to tell him that he won’t be able to meet up with him tonight because he’s busy.

“Maybe you’re right. We’ve never missed a chance to meet up on a Friday night before. I mean, why else would he ditch me?”

“Niel—”

“He’s probably at some bar now, making out with some hot person who doesn’t have a buck-tooth smile and—”

“Niel. I was kidding. Relax,” Seongwoo says when he sees the face he’s making, before he spirals down further. “If you’re really so hung up here, why don’t you just go to him. If everything you ever told me about you two is true then I don’t think he’d even mind it if you make a surprise visit.”

He doesn’t usually take Seongwoo’s advice when he’s under the influence and drinking like he is, but he does make a pretty valid argument. And at this point Daniel really _is_ desperate enough that he actually considers the idea; though it still takes him three more days just to work up the courage and actually go through with it.

“He has the flu Daniel-hyung. He’s asleep right now and I think it’s best if we don’t disturb him,” Daehwi tells him at the entrance of Jihoon’s apartment, looking a little surprised to see him.

“Oh. No wonder he hasn’t been answering my messages. Is he okay?”

“Yes, yes. It’s nothing a little rest won’t fix, don’t worry.” Daehwi smiles at him, in what he thinks is his attempt at reassurance. “I’ll tell him you came over and to call you as soon as he wakes up.”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks Daehwi.”

It eases his mind a bit, but the nagging at the back of his head is still asking questions. Like why hadn’t Jihoon told him? If it was just the flu, why didn’t he at least text him was out sick? He couldn’t have possibly been out of it and asleep all week to ignore him, right?

It hurt a little, to be perfectly honest. Daniel had assumed at that point that he was, at the very least, a friend to him. Someone Jihoon would confide with even if it was as simple as getting sick. The doubt is clouding and invading his mind and making him think that maybe even their friendship isn’t as real as he thinks it is.

“You’re jumping to conclusions again. Stop overthinking.” Seongwoo tells him the day after, patting him on the back as he pours them another round of convenience-store alcohol in Daniel’s dining room.

“I just don’t understand why. Not too long ago we were telling each other everything. And now he gets the flu and he doesn’t even—”

“Niel.” Seongwoo puts his glass down and gives him a firm stare, effectively shutting him up. “If you’re as close as you say you are then he probably knows you’ll go to any length just to make sure he’s getting what he wants and needs to recover. He probably just doesn’t want to be a burden. I know _I_ wouldn’t.”

He exhales a heavy breath and considers it for a moment. It does sound like something Jihoon would do, but he still can’t help but feel frustrated with himself for not being able to be there for him.

“Just hold out a little more, okay?” Seongwoo offers a small smile, patting him on the shoulder. “Be patient. I’m sure he misses you just as much as you’re missing him.”

It isn’t easy being optimistic about the situation, but Daniel isn’t really left with a lot of other choices. So he just picks up a can, clinks the metal with Seongwoo’s and drinks down his feelings.

 

_“Hey, I just got off my audition. I’m free for the rest of the day, you wanna grab some lunch?”_

“Ah, sorry hyung. I can’t. I’m meeting Jihoon,” Daniel says over the phone, waiting for the elevator to reach his level. He’s doing his best at keeping the excitement off his voice and he thinks he’s failing.

_“He finally called you back? See, what’d I tell you? That’s awesome! So where are you guys eating at so I can crash this little get together.”_

“Hyuuuung!” Daniel whines, ignoring the weird look one of his colleagues gives him.

_“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. You kids have fun.”_

“Thanks.

_“But not too much fun. I know you got a big weiner but try not to scare off the kind old ladies across the street.”_

“Hyung!” He feels his cheeks warming up, and now there’s absolutely no way he can hold off his smile. “Hey I gotta go, the lift’s here. I’ll call you later okay?”

_“Yeah, yeah. Laters.”_

Daniel hangs up and starts his way down his building with feeling giddy with excitement. But who can blame him really, when he’s finally going to see Jihoon after what feels like an eternity. He also just realizes that the past two weeks have been the longest time they’ve gone without seeing each other since they first met, which is the excuse he formulates in his head for why he’s behaving like a drug addict on sudden withdrawal. And with Jihoon, the analogy isn’t too far off.

He checks the time on his phone after he’s crossed the street to where the cafe is. He’s five minutes early, so it’s a bit of a surprise when he sees Jihoon waving at him the moment he steps inside the medium-sized joint. It becomes physically impossible for him to hold back the huge grin the breaks into his face at the sight of him, but he still tries to contain the fluttering in his stomach when he walks over and takes the empty seat.

“Hey. Sorry, did you wait long?” His voice comes out an octave higher. So much for containing the butterflies in his stomach.

“Uhh, no. I’m just early. I-umm, I bought you coffee. Americano with extra sugar.” Jihoon gestures to the cup in front of him, and Daniel following the line of his finger is the only thing that gets him to stop staring.

“Oh, thanks. I needed this.” He takes a huge sip of his drink and immediately feels the caffeine heightening his senses. He looks at Jihoon again, noting that he has his hair down today in a tousled mop that looks way too adorable on him. And the way the light coming in from the windows hits him—God, he needs to stop staring. “So how are you? You feeling any better?”

The question doesn’t seem to pass the wall of comprehension on Jihoon’s part when he just blinks and stares blankly at him. A sudden worry makes its way to Daniel’s brain when he begins to think that Jihoon may still be unwell. He looks a little distracted, and on closer inspection, a little pale.

“Hoonie?”

“Huh?”

“I just asked how you’re feeling. You okay?” There’s a bit of life coming back to Jihoon’s face when he asks, which he considers is at least a good sign. “I was kinda surprised when you asked to meet for lunch. I didn’t think you’d be able to leave the house so soon.”

“Oh, umm—I’m...getting better. It’s fine,” he says, sounding hesitant. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“Nah, it’s cool. I’m just glad to see you again.” Daniel smiles at him, but it doesn’t stay up for long when he sees Jihoon shudder in the same moment. The worry from earlier is growing. There’s definitely something wrong.

“Hoonie are you sure you’re okay? If you still feel a little sick, I can take you home if you want.”

Jihoon doesn’t answer though. He remains frozen, eyes glued to the cup in front of him. Daniel is about to reach over and maybe feel his temperature but then Jihoon suddenly picks his drink up and takes a huge gulp of it. He bends down after, reaching for something Daniel can’t see until he puts it on their table, sliding it in his direction.

“What’s this?” Daniel asks with poorly hidden excitement. It’s another blue paper bag, but definitely much larger than the last gift Jihoon gave him. He can’t help the wash of emotion that courses through him then, of how special this is all making him feel. Jihoon’s gotten him two presents now and the only thing on Daniel’s mind when he reaches for the package is that he has to up his game with this gift giving thing.

It’s short lived though, because the excitement and the smile on his face die the instant he opens the bag and sees what’s inside. It only takes a second for him to recognize the neatly folded clothes, and another second to piece together why Jihoon’s giving them to him. The thoughts come so natural to him, so clear and concise that the only explanation he can think of for why it doesn’t feel like a complete surprise to him is because he probably already saw this coming; subconsciously expecting this sort of thing to happen.

“What—” He makes an incomprehensible sound when he tries to talk, so he clears his throat. “Does this mean what I think it means?”

It’s a pathetic question, but what’s even more pathetic is the fact that he’s still holding on to the hope that Jihoon is going to say no. That at any second, he’s going to see a playful smile on his face; hear him laugh or even call him out for being so dramatic.

But he never does, and instead he just gives him a curt nod in answer. It’s in that small action that he feels a crack forming somewhere inside of him, steadily growing, crawling its way through his entire being. Daniel ought to just leave it at that, save whatever pieces can be left whole in him and end things with some pride and dignity. A fool’s errand, because Daniel clearly doesn’t have any of those.

“Can I ask why?” He looks at Jihoon straight on, but he doesn’t get the same treatment back. He can’t really tell what’s going on in his head; face stoic and revealing nothing. Is he sad about ending things with him? Does he feel sorry? Disgusted? Annoyed?

“There’s someone else.”

He knew it. He shouldn’t have asked. Seongwoo’s words from last week ring in Daniel’s head a second after Jihoon answers. So he was right then, he did find someone new to fuck with. Having previously guessed at this possibility has somehow prepared him to hear that, but it in no way makes the situation any less painful.

“Oh. Umm...I see.”

The resulting silence is deafening, and Daniel doesn’t know what else to say or do. He can feel his chest searing away at his insides, every thought process crumbling within the confines of his mind. It feels like he’s drowning in a fire that’s too big for him to extinguish and it’s literally taking everything in him not to lose it right then and there. He wants to leave, hide somewhere and escape this terrible nightmare.

But like the fool that he is, he doesn’t.

“So where does this leave us then? Do we stay friends or…?” He thinks he’s finally passed the line of being pathetic. Even up to the last moment, he’s still finding ways to hold on to him. Another dimwitted move.

“I...I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Jihoon says in a quiet voice that matches his own. And somehow it’s an answer he’s both expecting and not at the same time. It sparks something within him, something ugly.

“So you’re serious about this one, huh? I thought you didn’t do boyfriends?” he counters bitterly. But whatever malice he had or hadn’t intended in that statement vanishes as fast as it came when Jihoon looks up to face him again with what’s probably the most amount of emotion he can see on his face since they started talking.

Daniel can see it in his eyes. The pain, the remorse. Things that tell him that Jihoon doesn’t like what he’s doing any more than Daniel does. But what he doesn’t understand is who that pain is _for_ exactly. For them? For himself? Or is he merely projecting his own feelings onto him again like the countless times he thought he’s seen through those eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no. I didn’t mean—I mean it’s okay. I understand. You don’t have to apologize. Things were clear between us from the beginning right? It’s just sex...nothing else.” Hearing the words come out of his own mouth feels a lot like grabbing a blunt knife and stabbing himself with it. But he tries to be strong, smile even. He finds that the only way he can keep the full bout of pain from eating at his insides is to focus on Jihoon—his happiness.

“Regardless though,  I uhh...appreciate you coming here to tell me and not umm...ghosting, I guess. And whoever this new person is—” Daniel pauses a bit, swallowing the sobs that are threatening to escape him. “—I hope he treats you well. You deserve that.”

He makes a lame excuse of having to get back to work after, even though it’s only been twenty minutes of his lunch time. He doesn’t have anything else to say, and the way Jihoon is avoiding his eyes and simply nodding at everything that’s coming out of his mouth means that he’s also done here. So Daniel gets up, grabs the handle of the paper bag carrying his clothes and whatever pieces of himself are left intact before giving Jihoon final look.

“Goodbye, Jihoon,” he says, more to himself than for the other person. He turns around and leaves the cafe without a second thought and walks straight back to the office before the first of his tears fall from his eyes.

 

 

***

 

 

“Hyung. Jisung-hyung, wait.” Despite his overly long legs, Daniel’s having a hard time catching up with the person of his attention. He knows Jisung’s mad—why wouldn’t he be?—but he only feels the true weight of it when they reach their building lobby and wait for the lift to arrive.

“I gave you a chance, Daniel. I asked you earlier if you were up for this today and you said yes." Jisung turns on him, eyes ablaze. "You could’ve stopped playing the hero and be honest with me but you didn’t. Now look at what’s come of it.”

The elevator dings and the doors open. They wait for the passengers to exit before getting on, leaving only the two of them to take the ride back up.

“I know. I fucked up hyung. I—”

“Fucked up? You _cried_ in front of our clients Daniel! God, in all my years of doing this, you are _the_ first one to have ever pulled a stunt like that!”

He flinches at his tone, dropping his head low in shame. Jisung rarely gets mad like this, even more so at him. The fact that he’s fuming with palpable frustration and rubbing at the bridge of his nose means Daniel’s failed him. Big time.

“I’ll fix this. I’ll call them and apologize and—”

“No.” Jisung cuts him off, a hand going to the side and slamming the button to stop the elevator. He’s glaring at him, but the next thing he says at least softens his tone. “You really want to fix this? Go home. Go home and rest, get some sleep, and don’t show your face at work until you’re better.”

“But hyung—”

“I’m still giving you a choice Daniel. You either listen to me now, or I tell management what happened earlier.”

Jisung is one of his best friends, a person he fully trusts with his life. An ultimatum coming from him is a dangerous one, and Daniel knows more than anyone that he wouldn’t hesitate to follow through with what he just said.

He sighs, and reluctantly hits the elevator button for the building’s parking lot and waits for the lift to move again.

“I’m sorry hyung. I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

The elevator dings and the doors open up to the exhaust-filled chamber of cars. Daniel steps out, leaving Jisung to ride the rest of the way back to their floor.

“I know, Niel. Now get some rest, will ya? I’ll talk to you later.”

 

It feels weird driving home to a bright afternoon sky. It’s a great day out with a lot of vibrant sceneries, but Daniel isn’t really in the mood to appreciate all this. He just wants to get home and curl into a ball in his bed, draw the curtains in his room and sulk in total darkness.

It’s motivation at least, enough of which to get him through the drive and up his building without breaking down into a mess midway. At least the weekend came early for him, and he’s holding to that thought in mins until it’s all thwarted once he finishes entering the code to his front door and sees a pair of shoes by the doormat.

“Hey, I bought us pizza,” Seongwoo calls out when Daniel turns the hall and reaches the living room. He sees him watching TV, lounging on his couch with a box of pizza on his lap. Another unopened one is waiting for him on the coffee table but he ignores his hyung and the food and heads straight to his room instead.

Daniel thinks about locking the door. He ought to really, if he wants to be alone and sulk all day. But the fleeting privacy he’ll get out of it—and he _knows_ it’ll be fleeting since it’s Seongwoo he’s talking about—isn’t really worth getting a broken door for. They just lost a big client today, he can’t splurge on a new one right now.

So Daniel just takes off his poorly ironed shirt and plops face down on his bed to enjoy what little alone time he can get before—

“Jisung-hyung called me. He said you cried at a cafe while meeting with your clients?” Seongwoo says, barging in and following him to the bed to slap his exposed back. Hard.

“Yah!”

Seongwoo just chuckles at him, most probably finding it cute that Daniel’s giving him a death glare. He makes a mental note to change the front door’s passcode after this.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Instead of answering, Daniel just throws a pillow at his hyung’s face and grabs another to put over his own head. A mistake, because the voluntary blindness leaves him openly defenseless for when Seongwoo grabs at his crotch and squeezes.

“Hyung!!”

“That’s for letting your dick control your life.” He deadpans, ignoring Daniel. “What’s this I hear about you not getting any sleep? I know sex with your girlfriend is amazing Niel but you got to give yourself a break once in a—”

“I am _not_ having sex! Not with Jihyo, not with anyone! I’m not even seeing her anymore so can you just leave me alone!” He scoots to the farthest edge of his bed then, facing away from Seongwoo while he hugs his knees to his chest. He’s half waiting for the next assault to come to him, but he’s left strangely alone.

“You and Jihyo broke up?” Seongwoo asks, his tone instantly shifting from playful to concerned. “Niel-ah…”

“ _I_ broke up with her.”

That seems to be an unexpected answer, because he can sense Seongwoo taking a pause. Silence from him means he’s playing with the puzzle pieces, and a minute later he can feel the bed shift with the sudden loss of another body weight. He hears the quiet paddings of bare feet on carpet next, and the unmistakable plinking sound of a music box—

Daniel is out of the bed in a millisecond, literally leaping from his position to get to his desk where Seongwoo is and pushes him— _hard—_ to get a hold of the box and snap it shut.

“I guess that explains it,” Seongwoo says, grunting as he picks himself off the ground. All mischief from his voice replaced with dead seriousness. “I could’ve hit my head you know.”

“I-I’m sorry...I just—” Daniel tries to say, but he never finishes. His voice breaks, breath choking up as sobs start rolling off his body in a parade of tears. Everything that’s happened today, everything he messed up on. The lack of sleep, the much too high caffeine in his blood; he can’t hold it in anymore and bursts out into tears. Seongwoo has him not a second later, wrapping long, lanky arms around his naked torso and rubbing his back with gentle hands.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

 

The last time Daniel cried to the point of immobility was after that day at the cafe with Jihoon, whereby he subsequently spent the following two hours locked in his car at the office building’s parking lot. He’s glad he’s not in a more public area this time at least, even though it still took two hours and a box of cold pizza for him to finally calm down enough to function. They’re in the living room, with Seongwoo sitting on one end of the couch and cradling Daniel’s head on his lap while he lies on his side and takes the rest of the real estate.

Seongwoo isn’t asking him anything—isn’t saying anything, but Daniel knows his silence is far from uncaring indifference. He’s gotten enough of that to know that he’s merely waiting.

“We saw him...at the mall. During Christmas,” he says quietly, his voice still too thick and breaking at the edges.

“We?”

Daniel nods against his lap, a sigh escaping his lips. “Me and Jihyo.”

“What happened?” Seongwoo asks, concern carrying his tone. He knows how big of a deal this is. “Did you talk to him?”

Daniel nods again, taking comfort when he feels Seongwoo’s hands running through his hair. “He looked nice. A little thinner than I remember, but he still looks healthy.” He remembers that day as if three weeks hadn’t already passed since then, the moment still clear and detailed in his head. He remembers Jihoon’s dark hair, remembers how good he looks with it and how it makes him look more like his personality. He remembers the way he kept blushing, fidgeting so much as if it weren’t obvious enough to say that he didn’t want to see him there.

“We didn’t talk much, it was just...too awkward. I don’t think he even wanted to in the first place.”

He’s met with silence, but he knows that with Seongwoo, there doesn’t need to be a lot of words to communicate. The hand on his head is enough to tell him what he’s thinking, that he’s listening.

“I broke up with Jihyo a few days after that. Just before the New Year.” Daniel frowns at the memory, remembering how he made her cry. “I hurt her hyung...but I couldn’t keep lying anymore. It was better that way.”

“I thought you loved her?” Seongwoo asks with poorly hidden surprise. “You were always so happy around her. That couldn’t have been unreal.”

“It was real. And I did love her,” Daniel says with all the sincerity he can muster. “But when I saw Jihoon _while_ I was with her...it just made me realize that only a part of me truly felt that way. Another part was only using her to plug up the hole Jihoon left, even if I never meant for it...and I didn’t want that. I’m not going to keep her if only half of me is committed to the relationship. She deserves better than a broken piece of shit like me.”

“Hey now—”

“All this time I thought I was okay, that I moved on.” He continues over him, a few wayward tears sliding down his face. “But after seeing him just that one time...feels like I’m all the way back to square one. Like everything I tried to work hard for in the past year just didn’t even count.”

“Niel-ah. You know that’s not true.”

Daniel scoffs. The optimism is nice coming from him, but it’s sadly misplaced. “The reason I messed up at work earlier was because we had our meeting at the cafe where Jihoon broke things off with me,” he says darkly, shaking his head. “I don’t even remember crying...or what happened for that matter. All I know was that I couldn’t even focus or think and just kind of...spaced out.”

He’s not going to admit it, not even to Seongwoo, that this kind of thing has been happening a lot lately. He knows he’s relapsing, and initially he planned to just ride it out until it dies down but now that it’s starting to affect other aspects of his life, he’s not too confident he can do that anymore. It’s affected his work, and now Seongwoo is involved again—which means it’ll only be a matter of time before Jisung and Sungwoon get a sniff of the same air and start boarding the same train with him.

“Please don’t tell the others.” Daniel finds himself saying, his own conscience betraying him.

“You know I won’t. But do you really think that’ll stop them from finding out?” Seongwoo lets out a sigh, his hands still never leaving Daniel’s hair. “Do you want my opinion on this?

Daniel purses his lips, a little glad their position doesn’t let Seongwoo see his face. “You’re going to tell me anyway so you might as well say it. Although I have a feeling it’s not something I’m gonna like.”

“No, probably not.” Seongwoo chuckles, before his voice goes back to its serious tone. “I think you need to talk to him Niel. For real this time.”

His body stiffens at the suggestion, already reacting and rejecting the idea. Seongwoo feels this and gives his ear a playful flick. “Listen to me. I know you, and I know you’re never going to get past this if you don’t talk to Jihoon and finally tell him how you feel.”

So it gets worse then. Daniel shudders at the thought, feeling like it just catapulted from a level one emergency to a complete disaster.

“So you want me to confess? Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that? Jihoon has a boyfriend and—”

“I’m not telling you to confess so that you could be together.” Seongwoo silences him with a firm voice, one he hasn’t heard used on him in a long time. “You need closure, Niel. And the only way I see that happening is if you actually get everything out of your chest and talk to him. It’s time you stopped trying to run.”

Seongwoo’s right of course. If the past has ever taught him anything in the first place is that Seongwoo is almost always right when it comes to these things.

“But what if he doesn’t want to?” Daniel mutters, defeated. He still remembers the look Jihoon sported that day at the mall. “He sure as hell didn’t want to talk to me when I saw him.”

“Well he’s just going to have to understand that not everything he does solely affects his life.” There’s the familiar protectiveness in Seongwoo coming out, the side that’s always there for him. Daniel actually feels a little braver by it. “This involves you too whether he likes it or not, and if he ever really cared about you—which I suspect is at least true—then he’d listen to what you have to say.”

Daniel considers this, the idea of putting an end to his misery by acting on that misery itself. In all honesty, he isn’t nearly as opposed to confessing to Jihoon than he is of actually talking to him. It terrifies him really; the thought of laying his already wounded heart out in the open for another beating doesn’t feel like something he can ever recover from.

But then again, here he is lying on the lap of another person he once loved—or rather, _still_ loves—with every fiber of his being, despite all the cracks and chips and everything. Even if the situation is completely different, what he and Seongwoo went through to get to this level of friendship and comfort with each other is nothing short of traumatic for the both of them. And that’s when he finally begins to understand what Seongwoo is trying to tell him. If Daniel can move past what happened between them, then he can do the same now.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?" Seongwoo asks him with a teasing smirk a few hours later when Daniel’s seeing him to the door. He just rolls his eyes. "I can hold you in my arms and rock you until you fall asleep. I’ll even promise to be here until morning.” 

“I can take care of myself hyung.” He whines, a pout playing on his lips before it morphs into a genuine smile. “Thank you.”

Seongwoo too drops his teasing facade and smiles in return, placing a hand on Daniel’s bare shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Don’t hesitate to call me next time, okay? I don’t want to hear it second-hand from the hyungs again.”

“I will.” Daniel nods. “And you won’t. Goodnight hyung.”

Once Seongwoo’s gone and he’s left alone in his apartment, Daniel occupies himself by cleaning up the take out dinner they left in his living room. He needs the mindless task to stall his mind, distract him a bit for what he’s set on doing. Dusting off pizza crumbs, throwing away the empty boxes. Wiping the table and washing the rag, then taking a nice long shower to fully wash away all the negativity of his day.

It’s just a little past ten when he finds himself sitting on the floor by the foot of his bed. His hair is still freshly damp and his skin has yet to be moisturized but he forgoes it for now, and instead focuses on the object he’s holding in his lap. It’s strange, how extremely foreign yet so very familiar holding the music box feels like. He runs his thumb on the smooth surface, letting his heart get used to the feel until it stops beating at an erratic state.

It takes him much longer than he would like to admit, but eventually he reaches the point of a more somewhat serene state of mind, the likes of which he hasn’t felt genuinely in a very long time. It’s with this emotional state that he draws the courage and strength to finally open the lid of his music box.

 

 

***

 

 

“Ramen’s ready!”

Daniel just smiles a toothy grin when Jihoon haphazardly places two steaming bowls of ramen on the island-counter between them. He spills a few drops of soup on the marble top in the process, not even noticing it.

“Smells nice,” Daniel says, eyes never leaving Jihoon’s face. He’s doing that smile of his where he pulls down at his lower lip to reveal his teeth. It’s cute.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Eat up!”

Daniel does what he’s told and picks up a pair of chopsticks and a spoon. He goes for the soup first, not unaware of the expectant look Jihoon has on as he watches him take his first morsel—which makes his ensuing initial reaction that much more harder to hide because, _wow_ this soup is salty.

“It’s nice,” he says, even though his lips are involuntarily puckering and literally screaming for water.

“You don’t have to patronize me.” Jihoon narrows his eyes at him, a small pout forming on his lips.  “My friends always tell me I put too much salt whenever I make ramen.”

“You put salt?” Daniel asks, genuinely surprised. He’s debating whether to ask Jihoon if he’s even aware that instant ramen packs like these _already_ come with salt in the mix.

“I knew it. You hate it.”

“No, no! I’m just surprised.” Daniel waves his chopstick-holding hand, stuck between feeling guilty and affectionate at the way Jihoon is now full-on pouting.

“It’s not too late to order take out,” he starts to say, to which Daniel answers by picking off and slurping a good amount of noodles with a smile on his face.

“Who needs takeout?” Daniel mumbles while he chews. “This is good.”

He thinks the thirst he feels after swallowing what he just put in his mouth is quite worth it, especially when Jihoon gives him a tight-lipped smile that bunches up his slightly blossoming cheeks.

“Thanks. I just wanted to be the one to cook for once since you’re literally making us breakfast every week.” He shrugs as he takes his first sip of soup. “I don’t exactly know how to make fluffy pancakes—or pancakes in general—or the perfect scrambled eggs, and the best I can do with bacon is a dried-up crispy version of what you always make.”

Daniel chuckles, a small warmth spreading in his chest at Jihoon’s acknowledgement of his cooking. “I can teach you if you like. How 'bout you help me in the kitchen tomorrow morning?”

“Nah, I don’t wanna be a burden.”

“Who says you’re a burden?” Daniel raises an eyebrow, smirking. “And if anything it’ll actually help give me peace of mind.”

Jihoon narrows his eyes at him. “Peace of mind from what?”

“If your food delivery app stops working.” Daniel grins. “I’d know you wouldn’t starve to death if you knew how to cook a few things off your _modestly_ stocked kitchen.”

The laugh Jihoon makes then is like music to his ears, and the way he looks down at his food shyly to hide his huge smile is making Daniel’s heart skip a few beats. He ticks the action off in the growing list in his head of little things Jihoon does that he absolutely adores. By the end of their meal, Daniel’s stomach isn’t the only part of his body that feels full.

“Hey,” Jihoon says as he takes the wet bowl Daniel passes him for him to wipe dry.

“Hey back.”

“I was thinking...since you’re teaching me to cook tomorrow and all. Why don't I teach you something in return?” Jihoon says, smiling when he faces him. “You’ve been telling me how much you wanted to try playing the piano right?”

Daniel’s eyes widen at that, almost dropping the glass he’s rinsing off the sink. “Don’t play with me Park.”

Jihoon just laughs at him, nudging his free hand on Daniel’s bicep. “Hurry up and finish washing so we can start your lessons.”

He doesn’t have to be told twice and finishes his task in record time. In a few minutes, Daniel finds himself sitting in front of what’s probably Jihoon’s most prized possession. He’s suddenly feels a strong sense of apprehension, feeling a little unworthy to be sitting there much less touch the instrument. He wasn’t even being serious at the time and just played it off as a joke about wanting to learn how to play while they were eating dinner two weeks ago. He can’t believe Jihoon even remembers him saying that.

“Are you sure about this?” Daniel starts, hesitation evident in his voice. “I mean, I wasn’t like, a hundred percent serious when—”

But Jihoon from beside him merely takes his hand in his, interlocking their fingers with his smaller hands over Daniel’s larger ones. He slowly lifts them to the keys and places them there, letting Daniel feel the smooth, ivory surface with his fingers. Jihoon's pride and joy, his passion. His whole life.

“You’re the only other person besides me who’s ever touched this piano,” Jihoon whispers, so soft that Daniel actually thinks he’s saying it more as a statement for himself than for him to hear.

“Is that okay?” Daniel still finds himself asking, matching the quietness in Jihoon’s voice.

“Yeah,” Jihoon says without missing a beat, nodding and saying it again for good measure. “Yeah.”

They start to play then, and Daniel spends the next hour trying to play ‘twinkle-twinkle little star’ like the beginner that he is. Jihoon teaches him the notes, playing on the right side of him in a slightly higher octave. It’s quite simple really, and Daniel tries not feel guilty when he purposely makes mistakes just so he can have Jihoon’s hand resting on top of his own when he corrects him.

“It’s F-F, E-E, D-D, then C,” Jihoon says close to his ear, his hand guiding Daniel’s through the keys. “Like this. Try it.”

He plays through the entire song then, albeit a little slow. He at least gets all the notes right, and by the end when he’s done, his pride swells a little when Jihoon gives him a small applause.

"You are officially the first person to become my student. I'm proud." He grins, and Daniel can't for the life of him not grin back.

“I'm honored. Can you play something for me?” he asks with a small hopeful smile.

“A free lesson _and_ a private show? You’re abusing your privileges. Watch yourself Kang.” Jihoon smirks at him, but scoots over to the center of the bench all the same. “What do you wanna hear?”

“Anything.” Daniel shrugs. The same answer he always gives whenever Jihoon asks him. He can see him thinking about it, in the way his eyes focus on nowhere in particular with his lips between his teeth. He stretches his palms wide before he places his fingers over the keys, and not a second later a melody starts to play.

Daniel easily recognizes it, his ears immediately picking up the tune for having listened to it quite a number of times already when he’s working at the office. It’s so familiar that his brain is automatically supplying the upcoming notes for the rest of the song, so he’s a bit taken aback when some parts of the melody shift and play differently. Jihoon’s morphing it, adding notes and changing the direction of some parts to a slightly different, yet still reminiscent to that of the original.

All the while Daniel’s eyes are trained on him. On his fingers expertly gliding through the keys as if performing a magical dance that produces music as they go along the rhythm. On his face, which looks so serene and focused, with his head tilting and turning softly in tune with the notes. On his entire being, the way Jihoon carries himself with so much grace one can have by merely sitting as if Daniel is the equivalent of a thousand eyes watching him play.

It’s overwhelming his senses, placing every nerve in his body in a state of high exhilaration that he only manages to feel whenever he’s here: alone inside Jihoon’s apartment, sitting next to him and watching him play his life’s passion.

Daniel feels like he’s just woken up from a trance the moment Jihoon finishes the song and plays the final note. He’s breathless, oddly enough considering he’s just sitting there watching and listening. When Jihoon faces him he can’t help himself, eyes immediately going down to his lips and surging forward as if controlled by an invisible force.

He immediately tastes a bit of the salty ramen from earlier when their lips meet, which causes a smile to break out as he’s kissing him. It’s so innocent, soft, that Daniel is challenged to go in deeper; teasing Jihoon with little nips and tucks that rewards him with soft moans and an arm around his waist.

“I guess that means you like it,” Jihoon says breathlessly when they break for air, his lips red and slick with Daniel.

“I love it.” _Like I love you_ , he wants to add, but he holds himself back.

“Did you recognize the song?”

Daniel scoffs at him with mock offense, which gets him a soft chuckle. “Of course I did. You should record it. I’m sure the entire world will love it too.”

“I’ve never tried recording a remix before.” Jihoon looks down, and Daniel can’t help but put a hand on his chin to make their eyes meet, dispelling his doubts.

“It’s not a remix. It’s a...continuation. Of a story,” Daniel says, so softly as if afraid there are others who might hear. “You can call it Beautiful, part two.”

“You’re really good at your job, aren't you.” Jihoon smiles at him, and Daniel likes to think that there’s so much more he’s good at if he gets him to smile like that.

“Hoonie?”

With a hand still on his chin, Jihoon merely raises his eyebrows in response. Daniel wants to tell him then, tell him the true extent of his feelings and how he wants nothing more than to be someone who will always be there to support him, raise him up and remove any doubts whenever he feels them. He wants Jihoon to know how much respect he has for him, how enamored he is not only by his talent but also by his passion, and how everything he does just makes him fall even harder. He wants him to know that he has his whole, entire heart.

“Niel?” Jihoon asks when he’s met with silence. And Daniel chickens out yet again and just smiles wantonly.

“You’re amazing. Just thought you should know.”

It gets him a small laugh, and the hand holding his chin is removed when Jihoon moves forward and kisses him again. And when the night unfolds them to their carnal and undressed versions, breathy voices filling in the expanse of Jihoon's bedroom, Daniel thinks it’s in times like these where he feels the lightest, the happiest.

It’s times like tonight when it becomes easier to forget that Jihoon doesn’t love him back.


	2. Ending Scene

Daniel doesn’t give himself the chance to chicken out this time, doesn’t let himself simmer and wade idly for doubt to worm its way into his system. People always say that time heals all wounds, but Daniel now knows first hand that it isn’t always the case. Time can also make wounds fester and rot with age, making it worse unless you actually do something about it.

Which is precisely the idea he’s holding onto as he drives the twenty-minute traffic over to Jihoon’s condo. His heart is still racing, that much is evident if the way he’s squeezing the life out of his gear shift with a death grip is anything to go by, but instead of letting it and his emotions decapitate him he instead draws his courage from it—no matter how misguided it may seem.

He picks up his phone to check the time when he pulls over at a red light and sees a message from Seongwoo of a fist emoji. He smiles and sends the same emoji back in reply, noting that it’s also just a little past lunchtime on a Saturday which means the chances of catching Jihoon at home is greater. Granted, he’s relying off on a routine that he was once a part of more than a year ago, so it may very well not be the case today. There’s also the issue of Jihoon’s boyfriend, but Daniel will just have to cross the bridge when he gets there.

Driving to his place feels like reliving a memory from a dream. Daniel still knows the roads to take by heart and the amount of time it takes for him to reach the place. The same sentiment goes during the ride up to the building parking lot, and even the sight of his usual parking space is so vividly unchanged and remains unbothered as if today was simply another ordinary day he’s visiting Jihoon. How he wishes that were truly the case.

The nerves only really go on hyperdrive the moment he steps inside the elevator and presses the number to his floor. The way his hands are shaking remind him of the time he forgot to bring gloves with him to school back when he was still studying in Busan during the winter, and the pounding in his heart to match it is no better. And if it weren’t for the other people in the elevator waiting for him to get down when they’ve stopped at his floor, he probably would’ve chickened out again.

The concept of time is only ever truly lost the moment he’s stood in front of Jihoon’s door. He tells himself that he’s made it this far, that now it just takes one push of a button to ring the doorbell and get this over with. There are no lines in his head this time, no more scripts he has to run over. He’s just going to say what he’s feeling, say what’s in his heart.

It takes a while. Like— _a while._ But eventually his fingers find the bell, only for him to stop breathing the moment it leaves the button. The solid ding sound echoes in the empty silence of his mind while he’s counting the seconds in his head, the panic steadily rising from his chest. He rates it from the level of getting called in class for a question he doesn't know how to answer, to facing an entire army at war all by himself. Daniel wipes his sweat lined forehead, his neck, and rubs his palms against his pant legs. It’s around ten minutes since he rang the door when his panic is replaced by something else entirely. Doubt had become his friend a long time ago, so he’s familiar when it comes knocking at such an opportune time to poison his mind. Why isn’t Jihoon opening the door? Is he avoiding him? Did he know he was coming? Shit, the peephole. He must’ve—

“Young man?”

Daniel almost jumps out of his skin at the sound of another person to his right. He looks over and sees a short, middle-aged lady standing at least two feet shorter than him. It’s only because she’s holding a cat in her arms that Daniel finds it in himself to relax.

“Yes?” He responds politely, internally cringing when his voice sounds like it's thick with phlegm.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry,” the old lady says, bowing her head a little. “But I couldn’t help but notice you through my peephole next door. Are you by any chance waiting for someone inside?”

Daniel blinks, a little embarrassed. This sweet, old, cat-loving lady must think he's some psycho creep loitering in her hallway. “I, umm. Yes. I just—umm...I’m a friend.”

That hardly clears the image he's trying not to paint for himself, but the lady just looks at him with something Daniel thinks is a mix of slight pity and confusion. “Oh, you must not have heard," she starts to say, her voice mirroring her expression of concern. "The young man living there moved already.”

It’s a simple enough statement that even for someone in a similar haggard state as he is would understand, but for some reason it takes a few clicks for the words to process in Daniel’s brain.

“Moved?”

“Yes. Just today, actually.” The lady nods, and as if her cat understands the situation too, it gives him a knowing meow. “He left only a few hours ago in fact. He knocked on my door and gave me one of his house plants earlier because he says he was moving abroad.”

His mind makes a complete three-sixty at the word, halting every thought process and comprehensive function he's running. Jihoon? Abroad? Is this really happening? A lump the size of which feels like an entire fist lodges itself in Daniel’s throat. He can’t breath, can't speak. He can’t think. And it’s only because of the concerned look the old lady is giving him that he manages to clear it and give a response.

“Did...did he happen to mention where he was moving?”

“Hmm, he didn’t really say,” the lady says, putting a finger to her chin. “But I heard one of the boys helping him with his things mention New York, so I assume that must be where.”

New York. Any hope that Daniel was holding onto that the lady might not be talking about the same person is immediately trampled into dust. There’s no mistaking it; it can only be Jihoon. Daniel’s mind is now going at an alarming speed trying to catch up with this information, almost forgetting that he still has company.

“I—uhh...appreciate your help ma’am. Thank you.” Daniel gives a respectful bow once the lady smiles warmly at him. He doesn’t think he can smile back, so he rushes past her towards the lifts to exit the scene.

It’s only once he’s inside—and thankfully, alone—that he allows himself to properly react and let the news sink in. Jihoon’s gone. Gone for real. He’s moving all the way across the globe and is probably on a plane right now. Jihoon's gone and Daniel’s missed his only chance to talk to him.

He replays back everything that happened prior to this moment and mentally kicks himself for all the stalling he did before getting here. If only he had woken up and left his place earlier. If only he drove faster and didn’t take advantage of every stoplight on the way as an excuse to calm himself down. If only he had the courage to have thought of doing this much sooner. Because what’s even the point of all the mental and emotional preparation he’d done if he never even gets the chance to use it?

The sound of the elevator dinging startles him, and the doors open to a handful of people waiting for him to get off the lift so they can enter. He doesn’t even realize how hard he’s gripping the railings until he pries himself off and feels his fingers go numb. He mutters a silent apology to the passengers, shuffling past them until he finds himself in the building lobby.

It feels like he’s floating, wandering through a trance detached from his immediate surroundings. There are a hundred emotions fighting to be felt inside of him right then, turmoil rumbling in his gut, his mind, his heart that it numbs him of everything save for one dominant emotion. Out of everything, Daniel has never _ever_ felt so lost in his life, has never felt so aimless. He can’t decide whether Jihoon going away is a good thing or not. They haven’t seen each other in such a long time, so logically his departure shouldn’t matter to him at all.

And it probably wouldn’t, at least not as much as it currently is, if Daniel hadn’t already committed himself to finally confronting him. Despite all the fears and hesitation he’s harbored for so long, deep down he realizes that was what he really wanted: to be able to finally tell Jihoon the truth. And now he can’t.

It takes him a little while, but he eventually stops his slow, aimless, walking along the condominium lobby when a bit of common sense begins to wake up his brain. He ignores the strange looks he’s getting from some of the people around him and decides to turn around and head back to the lifts to get to the parking lot, a hand already reaching for his phone to call Seongwoo.

“Hi, sorry I think someone may have dropped their passport. I found this on the floor at level fifteen.” Daniel overhears a lady over at the front desk as he passes by but he pays her no mind. He’s scrolling through his contacts to get to Seongwoo’s name, feeling his heart slowly sinking deeper down to his stomach as he waits for the elevator again.

“Ah, thank you miss. I’ll be sure to hand it back to...mister Park Jihoon,” the receptionist says, and Daniel’s thumb immediately freezes over the green call button. His gaze lands on the front desk, where the receptionist looks like he’s checking through the pages of a small booklet. He’s frozen yet again, the situation completely shocking his brain. But Daniel doesn’t hesitate this time, puts his phone back in his pocket and walks briskly to the receptionist.

“Excuse me!”

  


 

Of all the things he thought he’d be doing today, driving to the airport at fifty miles per hour on the freeway definitely wasn’t on the list. There are a lot of problems with this rash, last-minute decision he’s making. For starters, he doesn’t even know if Jihoon’s flight is today or if he’s even at the airport at all. He could be wasting so much of his worry, time, and gas for rushing when there’s also the possibility of Jihoon realizing what he’s lost and going back to his condo to look for it—which is a more likely, and logical, scenario if he thinks about it.

Excuses really, his mind is latching onto anything at this point but Daniel’s gut is telling him otherwise; and as sure as he’s stepping on the gas pedal with more conviction than necessary, he knows he’s making the right choice here.

He reaches the airport in twenty minutes thanks to the light Saturday afternoon traffic, but even then he still feels as if he’s chasing a ticking time bomb. He heads over to the huge smorgasbord enlisting every flight happening in the day while simultaneously googling all the flight details of every plane travelling from Seoul to New York. It’s narrowed down at least to about six flights, and Daniel memorizes the numbers in his head and rushes to each of the assigned check-in counters one by one.

He doesn't even know exactly what it is he's looking for, and every stop he makes near an airline counter just gets him a lot of strange looks from the staff and passengers. His mind is just screaming to find Jihoon, frantically looking for any tell-tale signs of him in the crowd.

He eventually sees him on his way to the fourth counter, and only because there’s a flurry of neon-colored suitcases sprawled open on the ground near one of the waiting benches that he’d literally have to be blind to miss. Daniel stops to catch his breath from all the running, his shirt already sticking on his back and his forehead dripping sweat down his face. He gives himself a moment to take in the scene in front of him. Jihoon’s there, in the flesh, kneeling on the ground all red in the face with his dark brown hair a total nest while frantically messing up his luggage and going through his belongings. Daniel recognizes Daehwi there too, and a couple of other people who he assumes could only be Jihoon’s friends.

It's the combination of exhaustion and finally seeing Jihoon in front of him that ultimately rids his brain of any thought process. He seems to have forgotten the point of him being there because he just stays still and stands gaping at their group. One of them must’ve noticed him, because he overhears one guy lowkey saying, “There’s a weird, tall person staring at us.”

Which then directs all seven people’s attention to him in the ensuing awkwardness. The spark of recognition arrives on Daehwi’s eyes first, but the moment is too fleeting to ponder too long at because Daniel’s eyes are immediately locked with Jihoon’s.

It’s as if time stops around him, putting everything else in slow motion while they hold each other in a tactless grip. He finds himself even more out of breath when that singular gaze holds him in place and ceases all his bodily functions. It’s still there, he thinks; the spark, the magic, the breathtaking feeling whenever their eyes land on each other.

Their little moment is only broken when Daehwi nudges Jihoon, cutting their little staring contest short and making them jump at the wake up call. Daniel sees him muttering something he can’t hear to his friends before he gets up from the ground and makes his way towards him.

“Daniel?” Jihoon asks with a confused look, brows furrowed deeply. “What are you doing here?”

He sounds a lot different from when they last talked to each other at the mall. He was more apprehensive then, guarded. The stress of the mess he and his friends are making in trying to look for his passport probably had something to do with the lack of it now. Daniel on the other hand has to remind himself to stay calm, focused, and not get distracted by the mere sound of his name coming out of Jihoon’s lips.

“You’re leaving?” he answers with a question, a little surprised with how composed his voice sounds. It seems to have caught Jihoon off-guard too, when he actually answers instead of questioning him further.

“Y-yeah. I, umm...I’m finally going on that trip to New York,” he says, and Daniel can’t help but notice how Jihoon’s referring to it as something he already has an idea of. He still remembers that conversation they had.

“Oh. How long will you be gone?” It’s so casual. Their conversation is so _ordinary_ that it’s giving him just the tiniest bit of a whiplash. He’s asking as if he’s an important part of Jihoon’s life for him to concern himself with the length of his absence, and more stranger is that Jihoon doesn’t even seem to notice this.

“I don’t know yet.” He shrugs, his lower lip disappearing in between his teeth. “A few years maybe? I, umm...kinda need a change in scenery.”

Daniel doesn’t know what he was expecting, but the information throws him off a little and he doesn’t know what to say next. The awkward silence causes his gaze to land on the six people a few feet away from them—who are all, if he may add, doing a really lousy job at trying to conceal their whispering and staring. It just occurs to him that one of these people could even be Jihoon’s boyfriend. The tall one with the sharp, hooded eyes perhaps? Or maybe it’s the other one with the large ears who already looks like he hates Daniel’s guts judging by stare alone.

“You still haven’t answered my question,” Jihoon says quietly, snapping Daniel out of his stupor. It looks like he’s gathered his wits back too, when the familiar apprehension in his voice is back. “What are you doing here?”

His right pants-pocket suddenly feels a lot heavier than it did a few seconds ago, only remembering now what he really came all the way here for. Jihoon’s departure is literally in his hands, and Daniel feels slightly overwhelmed by the fact that he now controls the game. He now has the time to say what he needs to say. His confession, his feelings.

But then he sees Jihoon’s bags from behind him, and his friends who are waiting for them to finish talking. Daniel tries to look at the situation from a different angle, of how it all seemingly looks like he’s the one keeping Jihoon from getting to where he wants to be. He’s doing it again, he thinks; holding people back, letting his own feelings rampant enough to complicate the situation, involving other people and dragging them down with him. It’s not much different to the events that just transpired this week, or in the past year, and suddenly his plans of confessing—the rest of his words and thoughts of it—die before they even get the chance to reach his mouth.

It’s not doubt anymore, or at least it doesn’t feel like it is. It’s more like a fog has been lifted, and standing here now at the airport where Jihoon is literally only left with a couple of minutes before his flight counter closes, it all becomes clear to him; that whatever he’s going to say—whatever it is he _wanted_ to say—doesn’t really matter anymore.

Telling Jihoon how he really feels, going back to their past and catching up with words he was too scared to utter before isn’t the answer to moving on from him. Sure it pulls out the few thorns piercing at his heart, but it wouldn’t be what heals the wounds after. Because that part, the part where he needs to make himself whole again doesn’t depend on the person he loves, or on anyone else for that matter. That’s up to him, and it always has been from the moment Jihoon let him go more than a year ago.

Jihoon’s moving on with his life, going forward and living the best version of himself that he can possibly be. Maybe Daniel just needs to do the same. Maybe he just needs to let him go.

“I—umm...this is for you,” Daniel says, earning him a confused look while he fumbles around for something in his pocket until he finally pulls out the red, pinstriped casing holding a passport.

“Holy shit.” Jihoon grabs it from his hand and stares at it with overly large eyes, exhaling a deep breath in the process. He flips open the small object to check if it's really his before meeting Daniel’s eyes again with wonder and awe. “Where did you find it? We’ve been looking all over the place.”

“I...didn’t. Technically a lady who lives on the same floor as you found it in the hallway outside your apartment. I’m just the delivery guy.” Daniel explains with a small shrug, a sheepish smile plastered on his face as if it lowers the volume of what he did to get here.

Jihoon still looks like he’s riding the relief and euphoria of finally being reunited with what’s probably caused him so much stress in the past few hours, because then all he says is, “Thank you. You have no idea—”

The comprehension sinks in only a second later though. Daniel can see it in his eyes, the gears in his brain turning the smile on his face to a wary frown. He isn’t even the least bit surprised by what he says next.

“If I dropped this in my hallway...then how did you get it? You went to my apartment building?”

“Umm...yeah.”

“Why?” There’s a sudden seriousness in Jihoon’s tone then, an urgency that sounds more unsettled than when he was stressing over losing his passport in the first place. His eyes grow perceptively, trying to read into Daniel who only shakes his head.

“It’s...not important,” he says with a small smile, doing his best to swallow the bile he feels rising up. “You should check-in now before you miss your flight.”

And he in turn should walk away, turn around and head back outside to where he parked his car. Move forward with his life, move on—but Jihoon’s gaze is holding him there, petrifying his legs.

“Is that all you have to say?” he asks, in a voice so quiet that Daniel barely even hears.

He’s suddenly overcome with a strong urge to close the gap between them and come forward. Wouldn’t it be nice to recreate a cliche drama scene by giving Jihoon one last kiss before he goes, or maybe even a hug or just a pat on the shoulder. It’d be a perfect, romantic end to all the trouble he’s put himself through.

But Daniel knows his life is far from what he sees in the movies, and that if he ever wants to move on with his life like Jihoon is doing, then he needs to start living in reality.

“I...wish you all the happiness in the world, Hoonie.” Daniel nods to him, smiling and doing his absolute best not to have his voice choke him up. “I hope New York gives you that.”

“Niel—”

_“Calling the attention of all Korean Air passengers bound for New York. The check-in counters will be closing in five minutes. Please proceed to your designated counters, thank you.”_

Daniel takes that as his final cue to leave, and he gives one last smile to Jihoon and a slight nod before he finally turns around and walks away, tracing the harried steps he took to get here back to where he first entered. He only really allows himself to let the tears escape when he’s inside his car, finding it ironically funny that this is the second time he’s crying in here after parting ways with Jihoon. He’s not bawling his eyes out this time at least, and weirdly enough, he feels as if he’s in the calmest state as he can be. It’s definitely not the ending he envisioned when he woke up this morning, but it’s an ending he can accept.

 _“Niel-ah? How’d it go?”_ Seongwoo asks after he picks up Daniel’s call on the first ring, voice strained with worry.

“I’m okay, hyung. Things are...okay.”

_“Oh...where are you now? Do you want me to come over?”_

“No, no. I-umm...it’s a long story. Can I come over to your place instead?”

_“Of course. I’ll order us some pizza and ice cream.”_

Daniel chuckles, relieved that it actually comes out naturally and not forced. Maybe he is a little better than he thinks. Maybe this time the lightness he’s feeling is real.

“Okay. Thanks a lot hyung. I’ll see you in a bit.”


	3. No Words

Daniel stares at the glowing red light ahead of him, leaning back in his seat as he waits for the traffic beacon to let him move. He idly taps his fingers on the steering wheel in tune to a ballad playing on the radio—a sad one about losing someone precious to you, as befitting as it can be in his current state. He doesn’t change the station though because there’s just something a little satisfying about amplifying your emotions with music, in knowing that hey, even the artist who sang this gets it. Maybe he should’ve drank more over at Seongwoo’s, just a few more shots just to keep his mind from going places he doesn’t want it to go but still sober enough for him to drive home. It’s been an incredibly long day, and he most definitely doesn’t want to end it drunk with a headache in another person’s house, even if it is with his hyung.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Seongwoo had asked him at his doorway while Daniel was putting on his shoes to leave.

“I’m still sober hyung. Don’t worry.”

“You know what I mean.” It’s gotten him a sympathetic look, a hand going to his arm with an affectionate squeeze. “If you don’t wanna sleep over here, I can come to yours.”

As inviting as it is to have another person with him in his inflatingly lonely apartment, Daniel had to decline. He told Seongwoo that he’ll be okay, that he’s better now than the last time his heart had been ripped to shreds. He wasn’t lying with that, although truthfully he really just wants to be alone. _Practice_ , he thinks, for the foreseeable future.

The light turns green. Daniel steps on the gas and moves forward.

He doesn't regret anything though. Yes he’s sad, as he has every right to be, but it’s the kind of sadness that’s quite akin to what one feels when they’re growing up and moving on to leave something behind rather than the sadness he’s gotten used to that stems from getting hurt. Daniel takes comfort in this little detail, because now he thinks he can finally get some much needed sleep without inanimate objects haunting him awake.

The parking lot is empty of living souls when he reaches his building, which comes to no surprise when it’s—he glances at the small digitized monitor on his dashboard—half an hour past midnight. Daniel sighs and sinks even lower in his seat when he does the math and realizes that most half of his weekend is already over. The idea of work is a concept that’s much too exhausting right now to face. Maybe he can call in sick tomorrow, take the day off. After all Jisung _did_ tell him not to come in until he feels better. Maybe he can indulge him on that request for once.

Daniel’s already typing a quick message to his hyung until he remembers the time, which prompts him to do it in the morning instead to avoid giving Jisung more reasons to hate him. So instead he spends most of the waiting and journey inside the lift engrossed in his phone, flicking his thumb across the screen as he scrolls through social media to see how everyone’s Saturday went. It’s as successful a distraction as it can ever be, but it leaves him totally unprepared when he finally reaches his floor and he steps out.

The first thing he feels his fear, though he’ll never admit to anyone that he may have jumped and yelped a little in surprise. In his defense, he thinks it’s perfectly understandable when he says that he definitely wasn’t expecting to see a hooded figure sitting along the expanse of the dimly lit corridor at this hour—or any other hour for that matter.

When the jolt of terror subsides and reasoning forces its way back into his brain, Daniel next begins to feel concern. The person in question is slumped against the wall with his head lolling to the side, probably asleep and surely uncomfortable. Did someone forget their keys? Are they locked out of their unit? _Kicked out_ perhaps? He doesn't really interact with his neighbors that much for him to know anything, and he supposes it’s really none of his business—until after a few steps forward when he realizes that the figure is quite literally sitting next to his front door.

And that’s when the panic and confusion come flooding in and retaliates against his reasoning. He blinks a few times, rubs his eyes for good measure to make sure he’s right. He’s a hundred percent sure that he isn’t drunk enough to be hallucinating. Heck, he only had a bottle and a half of soju from the six Seongwoo had bought for them earlier.

So if he’s not drunk, is this some kind of pitiful mind game then? His subconsciousness taking over? Because there’s just absolutely no logical explanation to why he’s looking at Jihoon here in front of him, sleeping on the floor outside his door.

Maybe it _is_ a hallucination. Maybe he really isn’t as okay as he thought and this is his mind’s way of telling him that—by projecting all his repressed emotions to haunt him in the form of Jihoon’s ghost. He blinks a few times again, and even shakes his head a bit, counts to ten with his eyes closed only to open them to the same image.

He should just ignore him. Just walk over, get inside his apartment and keep his eyes from staring at the peaceful face of ghost-Jihoon sleeping. And he’s about to do just that—until his foot grazes his outstretched leg on his way to the door and he wakes him up.

Their eyes meet first, and Daniel immediately feels his heart stop with a chill. He isn’t even given time to process this—or anything really—when Jihoon jostles his way off the floor and gets up the very next second. At this level, despite Jihoon being a few inches shorter than him, is when it all starts to feel too real that it scares him a little. He’s close, _so very_ close that Daniel can literally smell him and hear his breathing.

“You changed your passcode,” he says in a thick, raspy voice, reminiscent of all those times he’s woken up next to him in bed. Daniel doesn’t know whether the shock he feels comes from that memory, or from the anticlimactic question.

"What?"

Jihoon points to the digital lock on his front door, his finger barely poking out of his overly long sleeves. "Your passcode. It's not your birthday anymore."

“Oh, umm—yeah.” He responds in a slight whisper. “My friends keep barging in uninvited so I changed it this morning.”

“Oh,” is all Jihoon says when he blinks, and Daniel thinks he sees a bit of shame paint across his face. “Can I come in then?”

In between trying to process the situation he’s in and the weird casualness of their conversation, Daniel just nods dumbly and turns around to unlock the door. Four beeps and a click, then he stands aside to hold it open for Jihoon to enter.

He follows suit, turning the lights on and closing the door behind him. It feels strange, and just a tad bit unnerving, to see Jihoon standing inside his living room again for the first time in over a year. Daniel’s still not entirely sure whether this is all even real or not, and it definitely isn’t helping that the person in question looks so ethereal—he might even say _glowing_ —even in his current state of messed up hair and oversized hoodie ensemble.

“Can I get you anything?” He tries for a good host persona to gauge things, playing it safe and polite. "I got some drinks if you want."

“Umm...no, thank you,” Jihoon says, shaking his head. Daniel can see him chewing on his bottom lip, hesitating. “Can we sit down?”

“Oh, of course.” The suggestion relaxes them both a bit and they each take a place on the couch. The calm only lasts a second because Jihoon ends up sitting precariously near, leaving Daniel more high-strung and tenser than ever. It feels different back in the airport earlier today when they were in public and surrounded by other people. It’s been way too long since the last time they are alone like this and the unprecedented proximity is short circuiting his brain. He’s busy trying to think of a way to switch seats and keep a little distance between them without being too rude and obvious when Jihoon breaks the silence with a heavy sigh.

“You’re probably wondering what the hell I'm doing here at this hour.”

Daniel blinks, biting his tongue so as not to say how that’s probably the biggest understatement of the night. He’s leaning more on the question of what he’s even doing here— _period_ —or whether his hand will pass through his head or not when he reaches out to him.  He doesn’t think any of his questions sound even the least bit acceptable, so he plays it down with a slight nod instead.

“A little, yeah.”

Jihoon just snorts, eyes locked on his hands that are fiddling distractedly on his lap. “I missed my flight.”

The events of earlier in the day suddenly flashes back in Daniel’s head. Jihoon’s lost passport, his rushing to the airport to get it to him, the marathon sprint he ran at the terminal trying to find him. He vaguely remembers the intercom announcement of what he thinks must have been Jihoon's flight too, or so he thinks.

“Shit, was I too late?” he asks worriedly, panic and guilt settling in. Was it his fault? Did he not make it in time like he thought he did? Did he talk to him too long? “I should’ve given you your passport the moment I saw you. I’m sorry I—”

“No, no—it wasn't because of you,” Jihoon says, waving his hands in front of him. “I mean...well, it kind of is—but not in the way you think.”

“Oh.” Daniel’s rendered speechless, mind stuck trying to comprehend things. “Umm...why then?”

Jihoon looks down then, frowning on his lap that Daniel knows is a habit he does when he's thinking too hard. He waits, with really nothing else to do and just tries to prepare himself for whatever's coming.

“I guess I should start with why I’m moving to New York in the first place,” Jihoon says, visibly sighing taking a deep breath before continuing. “I should mention that lately, I haven't exactly been...doing very well...in terms of my mental health. Basically the long and short of it is I’m unhappy, maybe depressed—or whatever it is you wanna call it.” He shakes his head as he says that, his words clipped. “And I have been...for a while now.”

It’s only when he makes a brief pause that Daniel finally surmises that all of this is actually real. This isn’t some drunken hallucination or lucid dream conjured for him by his subconscious thoughts. His mind couldn’t have possibly fabricated what just came out of Jihoon’s mouth nor could it have written this kind of story for him. This is really happening, Jihoon is here in front of him.

“It’s gonna sound crazy,” Jihoon continues, interrupting his rampant musings. “But I thought of moving because I wanted to have a fresh start, someplace where there isn’t anything to remind me of why I’m so unhappy in the first place. And I guess that’s kinda where New York came into the picture.” He shrugs offhandedly, still avoiding eye contact. “I’ve always wanted to go there anyway, and it’s far away enough for me to feel like I’m taking a proper step forward. I was already set on it, had everything prepared and ready that all that's left for me to do was to just...go.”

Jihoon takes another pause, another breath. When he releases it this time though, there’s an entirely different weight to it; a sudden heaviness laced around the air. Up until now he sounded calm and factual with everything he just said, as if he'd rehearsed the lines over and over again until it got him to a stable point—which is the exact opposite of his sudden change in demeanor now. His frown is contorted, hands balled into fists and his voice comes out weaker, strained.

"But then I lost my passport. And out of all the people in the world who could've found the damn thing and given it back to me, it just had to be you."

Jihoon shakes his head then, blinking rapidly which just confuses Daniel more, because why on earth would he look as if he’s about to cry? He holds back the urge to reach out and comfort him, a hard feat considering how close they're sitting. The only way he manages is by digging his nails to his palm, reminding himself of his place.

"Not that I’m not thankful, because I am. But I just—I can't stop thinking about how you even got it in the first place. You found it because you came to my apartment, and it's clear that you went there for a reason." Jihoon looks up to him, the first time he's meeting his gaze since he started talking. It surprises Daniel even more because he looks even more conflicted now; his eyes a pool of confusion and anger, sadness and conviction., a plethora of unspoken emotions that makes the next thing he says a complete blow.

"I need to know why, Daniel. I need to know why you were in my building and what you stopped yourself from telling me at the airport earlier.”

Daniel blinks at him, stunned into silence. He’s trying to process whether he just heard him right, or his ears are playing tricks on him. It feels like his brain is ten steps behind the current situation, backtracking and trying to grasp at all the pieces to make some sense of what Jihoon is saying.

“I—” He tries to say but it comes out blank, leaving him gaping. He’s not sure what to say exactly, so he goes for the first confusing fact in his head. “So you missed your flight, came all the way here, waited outside my apartment ‘cause you couldn’t get in...just to ask me _that?_ ”

Saying it out loud doesn’t really help, and if anything it just makes the whole situation sound all the more crazier. But Jihoon is nodding, and with it falls the first tear from his eyes that he immediately brushes away with the back of his hand.

“I can’t leave like this...I can’t—” His voice breaks, choking up on his own breath. “I know that getting on that flight would only be a mistake. That moving to New York wouldn’t mean _anything_ and would just turn out to be a monumental waste of time if I keep thinking back to what you didn’t tell me today. So I need to know. Please—”

A sob escapes his lips, and Daniel can see how he’s doing his best to hold it all in to keep up some semblance of composure he’s clearly losing at this point. He on the other hand is still reeling, trying to digest everything being thrown at him. Jihoon is literally here, _asking_ him to confess. Forcing him to do what he was supposed to have done the very moment he got out of bed this morning.

“I don’t understand. Why does anything I have to say matter so much?” he mutters weakly, as out of breath as Jihoon is. His mind is trying to cling to the most logical explanation here, but his heart won’t allow it. He refuses to drink from that cup again and feed himself any more false hope. Daniel's already come to terms with his feelings earlier and he knows he doesn't need to do this anymore—because what's even the point? Of him opening up the same old wound just for Jihoon to leave him again.

"Niel…please."

The desperation in Jihoon's voice, the fragility; the look he's giving him with tear-stricken eyes laden with so much suffering that isn't unlike the one he sees from himself whenever he looks in the mirror. That's when Daniel begins to put it all into place. That's when it all starts to make sense.

There's a reason he came all this way, purposely wasted his plans of moving to another country, and waited for God knows how long outside his door just to talk to him. Daniel wants to hold on to what he thinks that reason could be, but the deep-seated doubt in his chest is making him think twice. What if he's wrong again? What if he's reading all the signs in the way he _wants_ it to be? He's already found a path to getting some kind of closure for himself earlier, enough for him to feel like he can actually start moving on properly. If his assumptions are wrong again, it could literally jeopardize everything and then where would he be?

"Jihoon...I—I can’t.” He's still hesitating, and it only takes a second for Jihoon to read into it.

“You can’t, or you won't?”

Daniel winces. Jihoon’s voice is shaking. “It’s not that easy—”

“Then why the _fuck_ did you even show up like that?!” He turns on him with a raised voice, the sudden edge echoing around the room. “Why help me when you clearly didn’t have to? Is this some kind of sick revenge game you play with the people you fucked with? Keep them chasing after your tail?”

“What? No, of course not—”

“Is it because _I_ was the one who broke things off? Was your pride that badly hurt that you just had to get back at me?”

“No. Jihoon—”

“Then why?!” Jihoon is trembling now, his eyes seething with tears and pain. “Why does it feel like…”

He trails off, and he chokes on his own breath and doesn’t continue. Daniell bites his lip, unable to hold Jihoon’s stare any longer.

"You know what...forget it. It doesn't matter." Jihoon laughs out darkly, shaking his head and wiping his face of tears. “This is stupid. _I’m_ so stupid.”

Daniel panics a little, because he can see it happening right before his eyes: Jihoon closing in on himself again. It’s the same look he had when he first told him about his ex-boyfriend cheating on him, when he told him he doesn’t believe in love. The look that tells him he’s putting his walls back up, probably for good this time, and shutting him out. "I shouldn't have come here. Forget I said anyth—"

Daniel's hands fly to Jihoon's wrist the moment he gets up from the couch to leave, getting up to block his path and stopping him. Jihoon’s expression did it, and the idea that he probably won’t be able to forgive himself if he left him like his ex-boyfriend did. Daniel doesn't care anymore. He doesn’t want to think about whether or not this'll damage him beyond repair, or if he'll even get anything out of what he’s about to do. He doesn’t care whether his assumptions are right because right now, his feelings aren’t the only one at stake here anymore. All that matters at the moment is Jihoon, his happiness—even if giving him that means gambling his own on a hunched bet.

"Wait I’m sorry. I was afraid. I wasn't trying to play with your feelings, I just—" He takes a deep breath, facing Jihoon's tear-stricken face and drawing his courage. "You're right. I did have something to say to you. And I was going to, but earlier at the airport when I saw you leaving...I just figured that it didn't matter anymore."

Jihoon looks at him, a mix of frustration and exhaustion present in his face. He doesn't say anything, prompting him to continue.

"I was going to say that...things haven't exactly been going great for me lately either." Daniel says slowly, swallowing hard before a lump could get a chance to form in his throat. "Stuff from the past I thought I'd already moved on from, memories I thought I'd successfully buried before...they’ve been coming back to haunt me lately. Reminding me of the mistake I made a year ago.” Daniel pauses to look at his hand on Jihoon’s wrist, letting the feeling of his skin on his own fuel him. “I fell in love you see. But the problem was, I fell for the wrong person. I fell for someone I wasn't supposed to."

He locks eyes with Jihoon then, an electric current freezing in the space between them. Time stops for a moment, and suddenly the strained exchange just seconds ago feels like a lifetime away replaced by something quieter, something more familiar. His hand is simply on Jihoon’s now, not even gripping or stopping him anymore yet he doesn’t move away. The words come naturally to Daniel, and he finds it almost impossible to stop them from flowing out of his mouth.

"I fell in love with his eyes first, then his voice. And shortly after, I fell for his lips.” Daniel smiles a little, feeling the tips of his ears warming, his heart pounding. But he doesn’t let it bother him and just focuses on Jihoon. “I didn’t really think much of it at the time because I thought it was just my dick doing the thinking, but when I look back at it now...I know that’s when it all began for me.”

He watches the expression on Jihoon’s face change, the way his eyes widen slightly and his mouth falling more open. This is it, he thinks. No turning back now.

“When we started talking, texting—getting to know each other and all that, I fell in love with his personality. Both the cold persona he has on most of the time, and the softer one hiding beneath that. Even if I only got to see glimpses of it, I still knew then that it was worth every moment I spent trying to bring that out. And I don’t think it was ever even possible for me not to have fallen for his talent either. His passion, his drive. That fire I see in his eyes whenever he so much as talks about his art.”

“And just when I thought there couldn’t be any more things for me to lose myself to, I started falling for the little things. The soft sigh that he always makes everytime I kiss him. The cute smile I get whenever I give him a portion of my share of take-out chicken. Even the little whimper that comes out when he’s asleep and dreaming. I fell for everything, and it didn’t take long before my heart didn’t even belong to me anymore.”

He feels something wet trailing down the side of his face when he pauses to take a breath. He doesn’t even notice that he’s crying, or how his heart feels like it’s about to burst at any second inside his chest. There’s a weird sense of lightness in him, contrasted by the steeping height his emotions are at that feel akin to adrenaline.

“I came to your apartment earlier because I needed to get that out of my chest. I couldn’t...move on with my life. Not even when I tried avoiding everything that reminded me of you, or even after I tried seeing other people. I just figured that if I tell you how I felt—and _still_ feel—all this time, then maybe I can finally close that chapter away."

Daniel bites his lips, letting everything he just poured out sink in. Not just for Jihoon, but for him as well. He can feel his tears dripping down his chin now, but he doesn’t do anything about it; too afraid that he’ll suddenly wake up from this the moment he rubs his eyes.

"I love you, Park Jihoon. I've always loved you, even when I know I have no right to be,” he says with finality, clearing his throat after the last word chokes him of breath. “I know you never felt the same, which is why I never told you until now. I didn’t want to lose you so I—"

He never gets to finish his sentence because Jihoon is suddenly on him, wrapping his arms around his neck and collapsing in front of Daniel who's barely alert enough to catch his fall. He'd been silent the whole time he was talking, crying soundlessly as he just stared at him with eyes that looked like they held pity and frustration in them. Daniel thought it was because Jihoon felt sorry for him, for wasting his heart on a lost cause, falling for someone he can never have.

Now he isn’t so sure anymore. Not when Jihoon is clutching him tight with his surprisingly strong arms, squeezing the life out of him as he wails and bawls his eyes out on the side of Daniel's chest. It's as much ugly crying as the definition can imply, but it lets him know that the pity Jihoon was feeling wasn't for him alone.

"I—I—" Jihoon tries to speak, but his sobs won't let him utter even a single coherent word. "N-niel I—"

Daniel wraps his arms around him too, nodding to the things Jihoon wants to say but can't. It fills him up; the feeling of having him in his arms and being able to bury his face against his hair is too much for him to even hold his own sobs back as the sensation melts all his doubts away. It’s in that moment when he finally realizes that he doesn't need words anymore, doesn't need to hear anything come out of Jihoon's mouth because his actions speak louder than what his voice can ever hope to say. That’s when he realizes that it had always been like this, all along. All those times Jihoon broke his own rules to give in to Daniel's whims, the more than meaningful looks he had whenever they spent the night together, the true meaning behind the music box he gave him.

It was all there in his actions, screaming to be heard behind the walls of hurt Jihoon had unconsciously put up over himself, begging to be noticed. His feelings have always been there, always showed themselves even through the doubts Daniel felt. All Jihoon needed was someone to break the walls first, and all Daniel had to do was to be brave enough to hold the sledgehammer.

“I—I’m s-sorry.” Jihoon sobs against the side of his neck, his voice breaking at the effort to hold himself back.

"It’s okay, Hoonie. It’s okay.” Daniel just clutches him tighter, but not because he’s scared he might disappear on him. Not anymore. He’s making up for all the lost time now, letting all of his emotions out while at the same time, letting Jihoon in. “I love you. I love you so much."

Despite the chest-racking sobs shaking their shoulders and overcoming their bodies, Daniel finds himself smiling like an idiot because—well, he kind of is. They both are. And in the mix of crying their eyes out and the hysterical chuckling that comes after which only pulls their bodies closer, he knows—even without the words to tell it—that they're going to be okay. Moving on is never easy, taking the steps aren't going to be smooth, but Daniel knows that this time he’ll be okay.


End file.
